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Is Your New Boyfriend Ghosting?

GhostingMany of you have been through this frustrating scenario.

You meet a guy and the chemistry is off the charts. You exchange numbers and start texting regularly. You get in a groove, start dating IRL or just have a regular daily text exchanges and POOF after a few weeks or a month, he disappears without warning.

Ghosting, the cowardly phenomenon where a woman or a man go from really into you to disappearing completely without an explanation is something I’m getting more and more emails about every day.

Harriet writes:

I have been on ten or more dates with this guy. We both agreed to see how things go. We both admitted we are into each other and we are not dating other people, however- we are not exclusive.

 

He had suddenly pulled away without warning after consistently talking for 6 weeks or so.

I am in agony right now as everything was going so well. I know men lie, but why did he tell me he saw a future with me when he didn’t mean it!?

READ:  What to Do When He Pulls Back

My Dear Harriet:

In the world of dating, it takes time to get to know someone.

Six weeks can be a typical time for someone to decide to move a relationship forward to become exclusive.

I’m so sorry that you’re in pain, but did he really lie? He was feeling good about the relationship in the early honeymoon days so he projected to the future because if felt good.

You both decided to give it a shot and for some reason he wasn’t sure. You say you weren’t exclusive, which allows both of you to keep your options open. Now I haven’t spoken to your guy so I don’t know if he pulled away because he was getting too close or pulled away because he met someone else.  He may have unilaterally decided that the two of you didn’t have  enough in common to take it to the next level. He may have been hung up on an ex, not ready, or gone back with her. You didn’t say if you slept with him or not. There are to many unknowns here.

My best advice is to move forward with your life and start dating again. You might be surprised to find someone you even like more than the guy who did the pull-back.

However, you should know that sometimes guys need their space. They go into their caves to think and need time to decide if they miss you or not. It’s true that men miss you when you’re apart. The worst thing you can do if this is the case, is to chase after him wanting an answer, closure, or call him a liar. He was feeling it then. He isn’t feeling it now or may be confused.

Just live your life and be open to meeting someone else and realize that this is the typical course of dating. If he comes back, it means he took the time to think about a deeper relationship with you. If he didn’t, it was a six-week casual relationship. Think about it. You might have been the one after six weeks that had a change of heart about him!

Sure it stinks when someone disappears and you’re a victim of ghosting. It’s wrong, but very common these days. People don’t like to have a confrontation so they ghost. Keep me posted and do something special for yourself. Exercise or go to a movie with a friend.

By the time he comes back, if he comes back, you might no longer be interested in him.

Julie

Robin writes:

Dear Julie,

 

I’ve been seeing this guy for three weeks now who I met online and we’ve gone out about 5 times. He seemed to be really interested in getting to know me and he sent me texts every day. Suddenly out of nowhere the texts came to a screeching halt. Not one phone call, no explanation. I guess I’ve been ghosted, but why?

My Dear Robin:

Three weeks is nothing in the dating world. If you met him online, chances are he’s still dating online and you both have active Internet dating or mobile dating profiles. He was probably playing the field, while you put all of your eggs in one basket.

If he’s going to ghost you (and boy do I hate when that happens), I’d rather it be sooner than later before your heart was completely invested. Chances are he met someone else or even already had a girlfriend when he first started contacting you and was testing the water. We unfortunately live in a world with too many options these days. One uncertainty leads to logging on to a Tinder profile.

Sure an explanation would have been good, but in today’s digital world, texting plays a huge part in the courting  process. Since he didn’t send you a text to say, “Sorry, I don’t think we’re a fit,” he just may plan on reaching out again in a few weeks after he sees what else is out there. Hopefully by then, you’ll have met someone and won’t have any interest in the disappearing ghosting guy.

Keep me posted.

Julie

Have you ever been ghosted?

Send your dating questions and share your stories at CyberDatingExpert.com/contact

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and online dating and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Need help with your Tinder profile? Find out how our Swiping Right program will help you find your dream date.

 

 

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How to Delete Your Tinder Account

TinderIn this week’s Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert column, a reader has a huge dilemma.  Her partner thinks she’s looking for other options on Tinder, when she knows she hasn’t been using the mobile app.  Did she get busted or did technology get the worst of the situation?

Read on….

Dear Julie,

We moved into a house together and we met via Tinder.

He received a message from his friend saying he saw my Tinder account saying that I was active three days ago. It was a shock to my partner and myself as the day I was ‘supposedly’ on Tinder was the day I spent four hours driving around and moving into the new house and the rest of the day I had a dead mobile phone due to using all the battery on the GPS.

Is there any type of way that my Tinder profile could say I was active when I wasn’t using it as it is quite hard to prove that I was not on it?

The Tinder app was uninstalled on my phone months ago and I have not downloaded it recently, so I am wondering if there is any way that something could have happened to make it ‘active’ when I had not used it? My partner and I had had a few fights last week but as I explained to him when we have arguments I straight away confront him and try to sort it out on the spot so we sort it out and don’t have to be angry or upset. He believes me because he knows that is what I do and that I’m not the type of person to go and download a dating app due to a few small fights. So I am in need of some help with explaining how my profile was active when I wasn’t using it. I know I didn’t go on it and he also believes me but we do both think it suspicious that my tinder account says it was active 3 days ago.

Hi Jasmine,

I’m sorry for your Tinder dilemma, but am glad to hear you met someone special on their mobile app.

Having a partner think you’re looking for options when you’re moving forward in your relationship can make anyone feel uncomfortable.

Often mobile apps run in the background on different mobile phones.

As I don’t work for Tinder, I don’t know exactly what happened in your case.

If you removed the app from your phone, it’s still considered an active app and you will appear in searches as a potential match.

The only way for you not to to appear in a search, is if you completely deactivate your Tinder profile. Removing it from your phone just isn’t enough.

Remember, if you permanently delete your account, all of your matches and communications will disappear. In this case, it’s probably a good thing.

I think both of you should go through this exercise together in an effort to move forward in good faith.

1. Download the Tinder app again on your phone.

2. Open the app and click on the gear in the upper left hand corner.

3. Click on “App settings.”

4. Scroll down and click “Delete Account.”

5.  You’ll see a message that will say “Account successfully deleted.”

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Do you have a question for Cyber-Dating Expert Julie Spira? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of Internet dating and helps singles by creating their Irresistible Profiles. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for online dating and mobile dating advice and join in the conversation for #DateChat on Thursdays at 5p/PT, 8p/ET.

Need help with Tinder? Check out our Swiping Right service to maximize your Tinder profile and experience.

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Her Guy Pulled Away. What Should She Do?

Ask the Cyberdating Expert Radio ShowDear Julie,

I’ve been seeing this guy for 3 months and everything seemed to be going great. He’s very affectionate and talked about his feelings openly with me. On the other hand, I always have a hard time expressing my feelings. On New Year’s Eve, he was telling me how he felt about me and asked me about how I felt as well, but I couldn’t give him a definite answer.

He introduced me to his friends and some family, however since New Year’s he became very distant. He was always the one calling me and has pretty much stopped. I’ve tried to initiate talking to him since then, but he started acting cold.

Now a friend of mine found him on Tinder and I’m devastated. Do you think he’s a player? What do I do? He hasn’t tried to contact me since either. Please help.

April

Hi April,

Thanks for your sending in your question.

The three month mark is a pivotal point for many relationships. Often it’s the time when a couple who has been dating decides to take the relationship to the next level, to see each other exclusively, and even start referring to each other as “boyfriend” and “girlfriend.”

The fact that he spent New Year’s Eve with you tells me that you are important to him. If he expressed his feelings favorably and didn’t get any positive feedback from you, chances are his ego was hurt and he might assume you aren’t on the same page and don’t feel the same for him. If this is the case, I wouldn’t call him a player. I think he gave the relationship a shot for three months and didn’t believe you felt the same way about him. It could have shattered his self esteem and ego and he might want to find an emotionally available man.

When a man opens up to a woman about his feelings, he’s opening up his heart and puts himself in a vulnerable position. If he even says he thinks he’s falling in love with her and asks her how she feels about it, he’s hoping to hear that she feels the same way.

Depending on how often you were seeing each other, three months is a significant amount of time for a couple to decide if they want to be exclusive and take the relationship to the next level, often typically for another three months to see how things will be at the six month mark.

If he’s acting distant, know that his feelings were probably hurt. Think about it this way. If you told him that you loved him and he couldn’t say it back, how would you feel? Chances are you might start pulling back or even look at other guys who you think are emotionally available and are ready for a relationship. This is probably how he is feeling.

If he stopped calling you completely, he might think it’s over between the two of you, or he might just want some time and space to see how he feels. I wouldn’t chase him as it would push him away more.

A lot of guys are on Tinder, but that doesn’t mean he’s dating anyone else. He may just be viewing profiles to compare the other women to what he had with you, while he’s sorting it out.

Unless you’re prepared to give him the answer that he wants, which is that you feel the same way about him, calling him really won’t be beneficial. Think hard about why you want to be with him. If you think it was a really special relationship and have strong feelings about him, you need to let him know. If you’re feeling rejected that you aren’t hearing from him, but don’t know how you feel about him, then let him go and find someone who wants to have a relationship.

Know that everyone goes at a different pace. In the future if a guy asks you how you feel about him and the relationship, always be honest. If you think you’re feelings could be growing, let him know that you hope to catch up to him and are enjoying getting to know him. This will keep him interested in you.

It appears to me that he got rejected by you and now you’re feeling rejected by his distance. Write down all of the things you liked about this guy and write down the things you didn’t like about him. Review your list and if you think this is someone you really want in your life, give it a little time and then text him and ask him if he’d like to meet you for coffee or write him a letter and let him know that it’s just harder for you to express your feelings than it is for him, but that you’d like to give it another shot.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Julie

Do you have a dating question for Julie Spira? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Ready to jump in to online dating? Find out how our Irresistible Profiles will help you find your dream date.

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Top 15 Questions for the Online Dating Expert at Match Stir

Cyber Dating ExpertIt was a busy night at the first mixer of the year in Los Angeles with Match.com for their new members to mingle, get photos, and ask me any burning dating questions they had to make the most of their membership during the busiest month of the year, January.

Held at The Phoenix in Beverly Hills, over 100 singles lined up to get their profile photos taken and to find out how they can be more successful with online dating.

Here were some of the top questions single men and women were asking. We’ll be answering them one at a time in upcoming articles on CyberDatingExpert.com.

  1. Should women be initiating contact with men?
  2. How should I begin with online dating now that I’m widowed?
  3. How many pictures should I be posting on my profile photo?
  4. How long should my emails be? Should I reveal all about myself?
  5. I come across as very direct in my profile. Is that scaring men off?
  6. I don’t like texting and won’t text during the day. The guy I’m dating is annoyed that I won’t respond. What should I do?
  7. I haven’t had a date in 3 months on Match. Am I playing too hard to get?
  8. My screen name is my first and last name. Is that ok?
  9. I had an email exchange with a guy four times in one day. I’m not writing back to him, even though it’s my turn. If I do, will I appear needy?
  10. I’m new to online dating and already had two bad dates. Should I give up?
  11. What should I write to a woman to get more responses?
  12. How much should a man reveal about his occupation?
  13. Which photos should I include in my Tinder profile?
  14. Why aren’t women writing back to me?
  15. How long should I wait to ask for a commitment?

To start with, let’s answer the first question that multiple women had asked. Some of them were traditional with old-fashioned values and didn’t believe a woman should initiate contact with men. While these women were attractive, they weren’t filling their date cards and were not utilizing all the simple features to maximize their time on Match.

You need to be engaged in the process and an active participant

Here’s the thing. The more engaged you are in the process, the more successful you will be in meeting quality people and turn your dating life into a rewarding relationship. I say, don’t wait. Initiate!

My first recommendation is to log on daily and review your daily matches that the site selected for you. Don’t just click yes on the green icon, but take that extra step and send an email, as Match reports he’ll be 15 times more likely to respond to an email. You can view his photos and profile before drafting your email. This way you can make it more personalized. Remember to keep your emails short, no more than five sentences, and ask a question. Refer to something he said in his profile and click on send.

Match email cyberdatingexpert.com

Once you’ve gotten into the habit of writing to your daily matches, take it a step further and look to see who has viewed you and then do your own search. Stick to the formula of five sentences in an email, make it personalized, refer to something he said in his profile in the search column, and start sending emails every day.

Remember, men get frustrated when they send out lots of emails and don’t receive many replies. Your email will stick out and he’ll be flattered to see it in his inbox.

At the end of the digital day, the more engaged you are in the process, the better your experience will be and you’ll be able to take your online relationship offline.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Do you have a question for Julie Spira? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

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Dating Advice – How Do You Know if He Likes You?

Ask the Cyberdating Expert Radio ShowDear Julie,

I have a question about whether this guy I’m interested in actually likes me.

First, let me set the scene for you.

I met a guy who I instantly felt a connection for. Initially there were some flirty texts going back and forth and I found myself getting drawn in very quickly. I was actually concerned that I was getting too attached.

I also noticed that he would be quite flirty with others and this made me anxious. I know flirting is a common thing, but does this make him a player? He also sent me email messages telling me that he loves me, but I think I may have misunderstood his intention.

So, I called him on the flirting thing and he responded with, “I get it.” I’m not sure what that means. I’m also not sure how to proceed with this man.

Do you have any thoughts?

~Frustrated texter.

Dear Frustrated texter,

Texting plays a huge part in the digital dating game.

Many guys flirt with text messages for en ego boost or just to have fun. Since you don’t fit into the girlfriend status of this flirtatious guy, it’s most likely that you’re one of many girls that he likes. If you were dating exclusively and he was calling you his girlfriend, than sending flirty texts to other women would be a form of emotional cheating in my opinion.

But let’s get back to your question of does he like you? It would appear that he likes you and he likes others. Since I don’t know if he’s taken you out on an official date, it’s hard to figure out if you’re in digital dating rotation or you’re still in the friend zone. In the pre-texting days, guys would often see a pretty girl and smile at her and say hello. Remember guys are visual and this is actually a normal form of behavior for a man.

Unless your guy is sleeping with you and others that he’s texting, I doubt he’s a player, but one who likes to have his ego stroked.

Before you put all of your eggs into one digital basket with this guy, just stay friends with him. When a guy says he loves someone, often it means he loves hanging out with someone or even would love to sleep with them. If he says I’m in love with you and you’ve been dating exclusively than that’s another story, and one to take seriously.  From what you’ve written, it doesn’t even sound like you’re dating. So before you say “I love you” back and shed your clothing, just look at him as a flirty friend, date others, and see if he’s interested in dating you. If you get to the point of becoming a couple, just let him know that flirting with others via text when you’re exclusive is something you’re uncomfortable with. If he continues to do so, then maybe it’s time to find another guy to have a crush on who will make you his one-and-only.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Do you have a dating and relationship question for Julie Spira. Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

 

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What Gift Should I Get My New Girlfriend for Her Birthday

gift giving for new relationshipsGift giving when you’re in a new relationship can easily move your status to “It’s Complicated” if you aren’t sure what to do.

Overwhelm her with 5-dozen roses on a third date will send her running for the hills. Giving her a card and a box of pharmacy candies may put you in the dog house. What should one do?

A recent gentleman wrote to me needing help on selecting a birthday gift for his new girlfriend of two months.

He met her on OKCupid and she actually sent me him an email first, which was rare for her and somewhat out of character because she admits to being shy.  The funny thing is, if he came across her profile he would have considered her “out of his league” and probably wouldn’t have contacted her .

Read on.

Hi Julie,

I’m 2 months into a relationship with a great woman (seeing each other now 1-2 times a week). My birthday was last week and I mentioned that I don’t usually make a big deal about it. I was sick, but she brought me soup and two cupcakes because “she wasn’t sure what my favorite flavor was”, I loved the sentiment.

My question is; Her birthday is next week and I’ve found a reasonably priced necklace ($80.00) very similar to one on her pinterest board and from a store she’s mentioned regularly. I’d love to get her the necklace along with the obligatory nice dinner, but I’m worried about making her feel awkward about the expense. Any thoughts?

The New Guy

Hi New Guy!

Thanks for your email and congratulations on your new relationship.

Birthdays can be stressful and confusing early on in a relationship.  If someone shows up with a card and candy, it might not be viewed as very romantic or thoughtful. If someone goes over-the-top and buys something extravagant, it can cause an unneeded pressure on the woman.

I think your suggestion of dinner and a necklace that looks like one you’ve viewed on her Pinterest board shows her that you are paying attention to things she likes (not many guys take the time to look at their date’s Pinterest boards) and adds a personal touch, since it shows that you listen to her when she mentions stores she likes. Because the gift is under $100 and within your budget, it isn’t over-the-top and I’m sure she would appreciate it, along with a romantic dinner to celebrate her special day.

I don’t think she’d feel awkward at all, but she’ll realize that you’re someone worth having in her life because you made the gift about her and not about yourself.

On a personal note, when I was at the 2-month mark with my boyfriend, he had the same dilemma. He didn’t know what to get me as a gift, but knew he wanted to do something special for me. Excited about our new relationship,  he selected a necklace with a mutual friend whom I had mentioned I really liked. The best part is that he picked it out on his own and loved it too!

It was a silver key on a chain, which is a popular look now. He selected a very simple one, not one filled with diamonds and I still cherish it today as something personal and intimate.

I think you’re right on track and your new girlfriend will be happy with the way you celebrate her birthday together. I know you think you’re a lucky guy to have found her, but she’s a lucky girl as well.

Keep me posted.

Wishing you much love and joy,

Julie

Do you have a dating question for Julie Spira? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.com. Want to stay in touch? Sign up for the Free Cyber Dating Expert Weekly Flirt Newsletter.

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Online Dating: Should I Ask a Woman Her True Age

Online Dating and AgeDear Julie,

I have an online dating question and would love your opinion on this recent emailed dating exchange of mine, on OK Cupid…

Me: How old are you really? :) (Does anyone here tell the truth about his/her age? I mean, besides me.)

Her: How old am I really? I won’t read into this, I’ll just go with it: I’m really not whatever it was I said I was, ha! My photos are recent; age is not something by which I live my life; and I often get mistaken for my daughters’ sister when we’re out together. I don’t look 26 but I don’t look or live like I’m the 50-something I copped to in my profile.

(How’s that for evading the answer? :) Her profile says she’s 51, but she obviously is not comfortable revealing her exact age to me. Should I drop it or press it? Is it too sensitive a topic to expect the truth, even if I myself am truthful? I’ve met women before who’ve revealed they’re as much as 15 years older than the ages they’ve indicated on their dating profiles. And I’m not comfortable or sufficiently evolved enough to date someone who’s 66, even if she is mistaken for her daughter. Thoughts?)

Here’s my take on his dating dilemma.

Women are often very sensitive and about their age and will lie about their age to fit into a search on their Internet dating profiles. Call it a double-standard, but they expect the man to be honest about his age.

Most women won’t even engage in conversation when questioned and will evade the subject. They’ll get offended if you ask what her age is, so I’d say it’s an off-limits subject early on.

When a man used to ask me about my age, I would smile and be coy and say, “It’s not polite to ask a lady her age.”  This practice goes back to early etiquette days,  long before online dating became part of everyday life for singles. Even my grandmother wouldn’t reveal her true age when asked.

Know that physical attraction and chemistry are important. Either a guy will be attracted to someone’s actual photos or to the woman when he meets her in person, or he won’t. I say you should never judge someone by their age and respect her desire to be private about her age until she is comfortable in sharing it. Many women past the age of 40 believe they need to lie about their age to attract a man. They realize that men are interested in dating younger, at least while searching online.

I think your potential date was being polite and sweet by saying, “I’ll just go with it.” If her photos are recent it should be enough. She obviously wants to continue to communicate with you and tried to set a boundary where it comes to age.

Think about how disappointed you would be if you were really attracted to someone, thought you both had a lot in common, had a friendly banter via email, and a phone call or two. It looked promising until…. you asked her if her age was accurate. She gets upset, cancels the date and you never meet.

Often if you meet someone out at a party or gathering and strike up a conversation, you won’t ask her what her age is, because it doesn’t matter. I’m not promoting lying whatsoever, as I encourage everyone to be honest about their age. If they fudge, I recommend they post something in their profile or at least tell someone on the first date the truth.

My best advice is to drop the age question. You don’t know that she’s 66 and you don’t know that she’s 55.  You just know that you might be interested in her and are curious about her real age. If you meet and connect, eventually she’ll tell you the truth about her age. If you’re smitten with her, you won’t mind if it’s 5 years more than you had originally thought. Give her a chance and if you think she’s pretty, let her know. Women love to be flattered and don’t like to feel like their being interviewed or in a deposition.

Julie

Do you have a dating and relationship question for Julie Spira? Submit your questions here:

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter and like at on Facebook.

Photo credit: Fotolia

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Help! I Found my Boyfriend on Tinder

TinderDear Julie,

I met my boyfriend on Tinder and we started dating three months ago.

We both agreed to take down our Tinder profiles. Actually it was his idea to do it first and I thought it was a great idea.

We’ve connected on a deep level and are even talking about living together, so I thought everything was great.

Last week, my girlfriend saw his profile on Tinder and it appears he went back on without telling me. He’s been secretive about things lately, complaining that he’s stressed out at work. I’m afraid I’m losing him. What should I do?

GF of Tinder Addict.

Dear GF of TA,

You’re not alone. Tinder is a fun game that singles play on their mobile phones. While it’s a great way to meet someone close by, it’s still a game. I know several couples who have left their Tinder profiles up and just enjoy chatting with others, without the intention of taking it any further.

Let’s start by saying your boyfriend did do something wrong. He rejoined Tinder without telling you. Most likely he knew there would be an eruption like a volcano if he suggested it. He would assume you’d think he was cheating on you, when he was just having fun swiping right and left on Tinder.

Do I know if your relationship is on the way out or not? Of course not. But you’re at a relationship milestone — the three month mark. The honeymoon phase of the newness in your relationship when everything is perfect is changing. The good news is, that you’re still together as a couple and are moving into the next phase. Three months is the time where couples decide do they want to go to the next step, which is beyond the casual stage.

My suggestion is to have a convo with your BF and ask him if he just likes looking at pretty faces. Believe it or not, he might just be viewing girls digitally the way that some guys stare at cute girls at a restaurant. If he says he’d like to see others, then believe him and reactive your profile as well and start dating. If he says he only has eyes for you, let him know how uncomfortable this is making you. Ask him if he can state his relationship status to “in a relationship” and that he’s looking for friends to chat with or take it down completely.  If he’s willing to do this, then understand he looks at Tinder the same way as he would look at a video game.

I’m not saying it’s right and I’d be very unhappy if my boyfriend had an active dating or Tinder profile up while he was spending nights with me. If he refuses to state his relationship status, then you need to decide if you’d like to continue dating him and date others as well.

If he really doesn’t want to lose you, he won’t let his cell phone games get in the way of love. It’s time for some digital housekeeping.

Keep me posted.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Do you have a question for Julie Spira? Click here to submit your dating questions.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating and helps singles find love online and IRL. For more dating advice follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, like us on Facebook, and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

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Breaking Up: 12 Signs You May Be Getting Dumped

Is flirting online considered cheatingMost of us go into relationships with the best of intentions. We put our best feet forward in the first few weeks or month with the anticipation that the relationship will continue to grow and go the distance.

We introduce our partner to our friends and family hoping to get the vote of approval. Often we share our dreams for the future, plan holidays and vacations together, and learn the fine art of compromising in a relationship, because we know it’s worth it.

Sometimes outside influences can attack our relationship resulting in the inevitable bumps on the road. It’s at these times that we look at our partner and either deal favorably with conflict resolution, or sadly our ego sometimes gets in the way and we end up heading for a fall.

From financial issues to family stress, the romantic gestures from an outsider at work to juggling the schedules of children, or even job pressures can affect the best of relationships.

Here are a few tips to know if you’re relationship is on its way out, or if it’s just a pull back or bump on the road that hopefully will become a distant memory.

  1. They stop sending regular text messages. If your significant other used to start his or her day with a good morning text and good night text, but those have disappeared, chances are the relationship could be fizzling out.
  2. Phone calls are reduced. If your significant other usually calls you routinely on his or her lunch break, while driving home from work, or before bedtime when you’re not together, and the calls have been reduced to once a day or a few times a week, your sweetheart may be disengaging from the relationship.
  3. Pet names disappear. He or she goes from affectionately saying, “It’s me” to leaving messages with their first or full name, assume the familiarity and romance are on their way out. Affectionate pet names are part of a relationship. It’s what makes you unique as a couple and puts a smile on your face.
  4. Plans are made without you in mind. If your normal routine is to see each other a few times a week and on weekends and suddenly your significant other would rather go out for drinks with friends and go home alone instead of into your arms, assume they are creating more distance and are open to the possibilities of meeting someone else.
  5. Future talks are put on hold. If you had been discussing living together or even planning a vacation six months out and now you’re not sure when you’ll be getting together in the next few days, your relationship suddenly might become a short-term affair, and not with someone who wants to go the distance anymore.
  6. Sex dissipates. Having a healthy sex life creates bonding in a relationship. If your boo is having doubts about the relationship, often sex is the first thing to go. When your sex life goes from “hot” to “not,” there’s a possibility your partner is detaching from the relationship.
  7. PDA disappears. If you’re the kind of affectionate couple who holds hands in public and loves cuddling at night and suddenly you find yourself sleeping on your side of the bed, there could be trouble in paradise. If the welcome home kisses are no longer part of your regime, it’s a sign that your relationship might be falling out of the love zone.
  8. Grooming habits change. From getting a Brazilian bikini wax to sporting a new hairstyle, joining a gym, or starting a new diet, when your significant other starts to change their looks and takes more time to focus on their appearance, they might have someone in mind other than you.
  9. They become attached to their phone. If suddenly your sweetheart is staring at his or her text messages, keeping their phone uber-handy, and staring at Facebook instead of focusing on you, you’ve just become lower on the totem pole than his or her smart phone. If they go into another room to secretly respond to a text or a phone call or turn their phone upside down so you won’t see who’s texting or calling, there’s probably trouble in paradise.
  10. Titles disappear. While titles are usually more important to a woman than to a man, if you’ve been introduced as the girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner and suddenly you’re being introduced as, “This is Janie,” there could be trouble on the horizon or you might be moving into the friend zone.  Read: Why Won’t He Call Me His Girlfriend
  11. Reactivates their online dating profile. If you’ve met online, but unplugged your profiles to be exclusive, don’t be surprised when one of you starts fishing to look for Plan B. Typically before a breakup, someone may like to view their options before making a clean break. Read: Gone Fishing, or is it Over?
  12. You’re thinking of breaking up. If the thought of breaking up is on your mind (if you’re reading this, that’s probably the case), you’ve put together your pros and cons list about your relationship or are think you might need some space, chances are your sweetie may be thinking the same as well.

What should you do if you can relate to most of these items on this list? Before you toss your relationship away, understand that feelings can fluctuate, but if the flow has been disrupted by most of these relationship issues on this list, you might be headed for splitsville.

Read: What to Do When He Pulls Back

Before you pull out the tissue box and think it’s over, take the time to talk to your partner about how important they are in your life. Acknowledge there’s been a shift in the relationship and ask them if there are any outside stressors that could be affecting the two of you. One of you might still be brewing about something that happened over a month ago and perhaps an apology needs to be made if your partner is feeling resentful about something or misunderstood.

Acknowledge how affectionate you used to be and let your partner know that you miss those warm and fuzzy happy times and would love to get back on track. Take the time to listen to your partner’s concerns. If you truly think this is a relationship worth fighting for, let your partner know that you don’t want to make an impulsive and abrupt decision that you might regret. Ask how you can help bring back the romance in your life.

If your partner just isn’t feeling it for you anymore, don’t fight it. Thank them for the memories and start the healing process. I know it hurts to have another failed relationship, but I also know that there is someone special out there waiting for you. You just haven’t met him or her yet.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

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Dating Labels: Why Won’t He Call Me His Girlfriend?

Why won't he call me his girlfriend
Dating labels for relationships mean more to a woman than they do to a man. It can be awkward when the guy you’re dating goes to introduce you to friends or business associates and doesn’t know whether to call you’re his girlfriend or not. Instead he’ll call you his friend in public, or will tell his friends that he’s been “hanging out with you,” even when he knows and shows you that his feelings are deeper for you.

To a guy, the label of girlfriend makes him think of additional responsibilities, which may include financial, legal, or even taking the walk down the aisle, which he isn’t just ready for yet. To make matters worse, to a guy, once the label is inked, he’s thinking his options are no longer open to find someone else, or even look back to the one who got away.

So the question is, if he acts like your boyfriend, takes down his dating profile, calls you daily, texts you daily, spends almost every night with you, says you’re exclusive, and is affectionate in public, why won’t he call you his girlfriend? It’s obvious that you’re an important part of his life, or otherwise he’d be out with his drinking buddies instead of holding you in his arms every night.

Do Dating Labels Matter?

First of all, don’t get overemotional about it yet. You might wonder if you should give him the big ultimatum about your relationship status, let it slide, or have a conversation about mutual respect and expectations in a relationship. These are questions that you need to ask yourself. Before you go having the relationship talk and cause an explosion or breakup prematurely, look at these signs to determine where you fit on his relationship totem pole.

There are many reasons why he’s afraid to attach the label of “girlfriend.”

  1. He looks at you as temporary.
  2. He likes the friends-with-benefits arrangement and regular sleepovers.
  3. He isn’t over his ex.
  4. He thinks he’s falling in love with you, but hasn’t said, “I love you” yet.
  5. He’s quite comfortable with the way things are and casual works fine for him.
  6. He’s looking for other options.
  7. He’s not sure if you’re “the one.”
  8. He’s not sure about your feelings for him and doesn’t want to jump the gun.
  9. He likes moving at a slower pace than you do.
  10. His feelings for you are fluctuating and he might be in conflict between being in a relationship and being single guy.
  11. He’s just not that into you and doesn’t see you in his future.
  12. Labels just don’t matter to him.

My suggestion is, after a reasonable amount of time together,  have a calm conversation with your guy. Ask him if it’s a good time to talk about something that’s on your mind. If he cares about you, he’ll know there’s something wrong and will want to fix it.

Acknowledge both your feelings about the label and his. Chances are, he won’t even realize there’s anything wrong with your relationship. He might have work pressures or other issues on his mind and be completely happy with the way your relationship is heading. Express why it’s important to you to acknowledge your status as a girlfriend in public and how you value the relationship. Take a moment and listen to what he says instead of getting overemotional and rambling on with nervousness.

Be prepared to leave the relationship if the answer isn’t what you want to hear. If he says you mean the world to him but still doesn’t assign a label to your relationship, believe him at his word. He might not be ready to change his Facebook relationship status or go ring shopping, but you might be on the track to falling in love.

Read: Are We Dating or Just Hanging Out

Know that if a man wants you to be his girlfriend and doesn’t want anyone else dating you or sleeping with you, he’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you’re his girlfriend and will be happy and proud to let the world know. He’ll show you from his actions how important you are to him.  He’ll make sure his friends and family know that you’re his girl. If he downplays the relationship as just casual and doesn’t talk about his long-term relationship goals, he just might not be the one for you. It may be time to start dating others and ditch the sleepovers to maintain your dignity.

One thing I know for sure,  a man will move mountains for the woman he wants to be with and there won’t be any uncertainty about your relationship status. Remember, King Edward VIII gave up the British throne when he fell in love with Wallis Simpson.

As soon as he realizes what a prize you are, he won’t want to let you go.

Do relationship labels matter to you? Your comments are welcome.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She coaches singles on the dating scene and helps them find love online and IRL. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

 

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