Dear Cyber Dating Expert,
I desperately need some online dating advice. I met a guy on OkCupid last week and we had the perfect date. The next day he reached out to hang out again and even introduced me to his engaged friends and we went on a double-date. That night we ended up sleeping together and I thought everything was going so well.
We continued to talk and he remained sweet and attentive. We made plans to meet up a few days later and I went to his place and we watched a movie. Again, he was very affectionate, held my hand, kissed me on the head/check, etc.
What threw me was when I saw his cell phone light up with text messages from random numbers he hadn’t saved to his phone. Immediately I knew these were probably other girls he was communicating with from OKC. My heart sank. I thought everything was great until I saw those texts! He seems SO into me, but now I feel like I have something to prove and other girls to beat out. I just don’t want to get involved and get my heart broken, but I like him and don’t want to lose out on getting to know him better.
Do I play it cool, let him take the reins for now? Or should I be proactive & initiate more dates with the chance of coming off aggressive/desperate?
Thanks for your email.
I understand why you’d be upset about seeing text messages you believe were from other women that your new guy might be chatting with.
Because you both met on an online dating site, unless you’ve had the conversation about being exclusive, assume that you’re not. After all, you were only dating for one week when you noticed these anonymous texts.
Sleeping together while you both have active online dating profiles isn’t something that I recommend, unless you don’t mind if he’s seeing other people.
Once a woman sleeps with a man, the hormones kick in and women get very attached and bonded, even if the guy isn’t really good for you. When the sex is good, it’s natural to hope and think that he won’t want to be with anyone else. Maybe he’s ignoring those text messages, after all you’ve only known him for a short while.
My advice is to keep it cool and date him if he asks you out on a proper date, but don’t sleep with him again. Sure you can hug, kiss, fool around, etc. Please don’t make a big deal out of the text messages, as men don’t like a high-drama, clingy or possessive woman in their lives. Just show him that you’re the confident great woman that you are. If he calls, return his calls. If he texts, return his texts. If he asks you out and you’re free, go out on a date with him, but let him know that you like him, but realize that you aren’t into casual sex if it comes up. Let him know how much you’re enjoying getting to know him. I know it’s hard to go backwards, but it’s worse to sleep with him and then wonder if he’s logging on to find someone to sleep with the next night. That’s the risk with online dating. If he tells you it’s not acceptable, then he doesn’t really want you as his girlfriend. He might just be looking for a booty call or friends with benefits relationship. Throwing yourself at him won’t help. It will kill the chances to have a relationship with this guy. Being great in the bedroom doesn’t mean he won’t look elsewhere. Being the confident girl he can’t be without will make him want you to be his girl. Let him take the lead and initiate dates with you.
If he really wants to make you his girlfriend, he’ll take down his profile and do whatever it takes. At this point, you haven’t set your boundaries so he doesn’t think it’s a requirement. Don’t be in competition with other women. Just be yourself and feel great about who you are. Please don’t get possessive or start to interrogate him about his text messages or cell phone. Insecurity will kill a relationship. Since he didn’t put those phone numbers in his phone to save them, nor is he hiding his phone, they probably don’t mean much to him anyway. Still, I know it hurts.
I hope this helps and please do keep me posted.
A reader is concerned that her date isn’t that into her due to how frequently he cancels his dates. Are you experiencing this? Here’s our expert advice for this online dater.
Dear Cyber-Dating Expert,
I met this great guy online and we’ve been emailing each other back-and-forth for three weeks now. He left to go on a business trip right after we connected, but managed to email me daily to stay in touch. When he returned, he had to cancel our first date due to a work conflict, so I understood. We rescheduled for later in the week, but the night before he canceled as he said he was getting ready to go out of town again and wanted to reschedule in a week or so.
If it’s this hard to put a first date on the calendar, is he just a busy guy or do you think he’s juggling me with several other women and is waiting to see if he likes someone better?
Confused in Atlanta
Online dating can be overwhelming, especially when you’re writing to multiple people and your hopes get high when you think you’ve connected with someone who could be “the one.”
Men are frequently defined by their business success and if he’s truly a busy executive, he might not have the time to put into a relationship and meeting right now. It’s easier to become a digital pen pal and write emails late at night when the work day is over than to schedule a date on the calendar which might conflict with a work obligation.
Also, remember that you’re both members of an Internet dating site with active profiles. Not everyone thinks they’re in an instant relationship, even if you’re texting each other daily and flirting digitally. If he’s dating multiple women, that’s fine. You should be dating multiple men and not putting all of your eggs into one digital basket. Play the field and talk to several men. He’s not your boyfriend and if he can’t find time to schedule a first date with you, you might get frustrated when he won’t be able to schedule follow up dates either.
One thing I know for sure is when a man wants you to be his girlfriend and doesn’t want other men pursuing you, he’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen and to show his level of interest. Without meeting you in person, you’re still a bunch of photos and someone he might connect with, when he has the time.
The best advice I can give you is to be busy and date others. If he asks you out and it fits in with your schedule, then go ahead and meet this man you’ve been excited about for almost a month. If he continues to cancel on you after you’ve met in person, then he’s just not an available guy.
Some people believe in a three-strike rule and if a date cancels three times, it’s just not worth your while. Give him the benefit of the doubt about his job, but realize that you will probably be lower on the totem pole than his career, should you get involved with him.
Do keep us posted if you meet this mystery man.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
I met this guy online before the holidays and he seemed interested in me.
The conversation pleasant enough, but I’m a little creeped out about his recent message.
In this most recent one, he asked me, Have you been single long? What kind of men are you typically interested in?” He also never put up a photo of himself.
I’ve been single for longer than I really want to mention and I don’t really have a type, but I don’t want anyone super unattractive or unhealthy.
What do you think I should do?
It’s great that you’re communicating with someone online.
When a guy posts a profile without a photo, he doesn’t really have all ten toes in.
While you’re concerned about how to respond to him, you actually don’t need to respond to him at all.
The questions he’s asked of you are generic questions. Sometimes guys just don’t know what to ask and are trying their best to open a digital dialog.
You don’t have to say how long you’ve been single to someone you’ve never met. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 3 months or 3 years. He’s single, you’re single and you’re both on a dating site.
If you feel uncomfortable, just don’t reply. If you’re still interested in getting to know him, ask him if he can post his photos so you can see who you are chatting with.
If he isn’t willing to do so, he just isn’t date ready. There are plenty of guys who are genuine and will post recent photos. Take your time and put your energies into a relationship that has the potential of turning into a pleasant date.
Keep us posted.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. She creates irresistible dating profiles for singles on the dating scene. Julie’s dating advice has appeared on eHarmony, JDate, Match.com, Zoosk, and on her columns on DatingAdvice.com, Examiner, and Huffington Post. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, sign up for the free Weekly Flirt, and like her at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
I am stuck. I am 51-year old female who’s only had about 3 dates since my divorce 5 years ago.I am reasonably attractive, personable smart, intelligent and a good listener–but am very shy about putting myself out there again.
However, I lack confidence in my ability to attract a man.
I recently relocated back to my hometown after being gone for 20 years–and well, everyone is married.
I was one of the many displaced in the recession and have been searching for work–with limited success–for a while now and keep thinking I need to get that part of my life settled before I date. Is that true?
Where does the over-50 crowd go to find dates with someone young at heart? I don’t drink so don’t spend much time in bars.
Signed Lonely in MKE
Dear Lonely in MKE,
I know how frustrating this is to have to start life over and start dating after a divorce. You’re back in your old city, but with a whole new group of rules. It’s hard when your friends are all married and think in even numbers.
First, the good news, is there are more avenues to meet quality single men when your friends aren’t fixing you up anymore. Just this week a research study was released showing that online dating is now the second most popular way to meet singles, after personal introductions from friends and friends-of-friends.
Second, since you’re the new kid back in town, and you should be asking everyone to fix you up. Don’t get frustrated when you hear they don’t know anyone. Keep asking. My mother always told me that good men become available, either when their wives or girlfriends don’t appreciate them, or if they lose a spouse to death. These guys don’t stay available for too long. There’s always a window for them and they do want to reconnect and not be alone.
Third, yes, you need to find a job now, but think about casting a wide net while you’re looking for your dream job. While you’re meeting people and talking to potential companies, you might be making a new friend, meeting interesting co-workers, or even find someone to introduce you to a friend of theirs. You need to expand your social and business network outside of just your married friends, and there’s no better way to do than than online.
I speak with men all the time over 50. Boomer dating is growing in popularity. They are just as frustrated as you are. A recent Match study on Singles in America, showed that men have a strong desire for a serious and intimate relationship as they get older. With Valentine’s around the corner, singles really are looking to connect, and for meaningful relationships. So, grab your computer, log onto an online dating site and create your profile. You’ll be listed as “new” and will get more men looking at your profile. Don’t be afraid to initiate contact. Look at who has viewed your profile and reach out and say hello.
Wishing you much love in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Do you have a dating question? Newly single? Send us your online dating questions and find out about our dating coaching programs and Irresistible Online Dating Profiles.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. For more dating advice, Sign up for our Weekly Flirt, Like us on Facebook and Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter.
This scene may sound familiar. You meet a guy and have an instant connection. You start flirting back and forth and the next thing you know, you’re wondering, Are we in a relationship? Are the feelings mutual?
When Deb wrote to me with this familiar scenario after sending multiple flirty text messages to each the new man she had a crush on, she was concerned that things were moving too quickly. Was she becoming too attached?
Deb now wonders if her new guy is a player as he was also flirting with other women. She became anxious about the situation. Now her dream guy is sending her emails and text messages saying that he loves her. Even more confused, she called him out on his flirtatious behavior, of which he replied, “I get it.” Should she move forward with this guy? What should she do?
Well Deb, some people are born flirts. Instant chemistry is rare and when we find it, we automatically fast-forward our feelings and start thinking about our relationship, our future, marriage, children, the works. But slow down Deb. Why is this guy who’s texting you with love notes flirting with others in the same sentence as he uses the “L” word so freely. Just how many other women does he say that to? Is he waiting to hear it back to feed his ego or is he sincere?
A man who is committed to being in a relationship with you isn’t going to screw it up by making you jealous and putting himself in the position of being discarded, with his phone number permanently deleted on your iPhone and in your heart.
What should you do? Play the field. Yes. There’s no ring on your finger, and hopefully you haven’t been intimate yet. Don’t confuse love with lust. While your emotions and hormones are running at high speed, you don’t know his intentions other than he’s that instant chemistry guy, which can be dangerous. I know this first hand, as I wrote about it in my book The Perils of Cyber-Dating, when I too, had that instant chemistry with a guy I met. It turned out that he was a major player, and just like the Fleetwood Mac song, Dreams, I’ll hum the line, “Players on love you when they’re playing.” It’s a game that can leave you feeling empty and alone.
My advice is simply, to take it slow. Date other men. Don’t sleep with this chemistry guy. Have fun flirting here and there, but don’t assume you’re in a relationship. Some relationships that start off hot-and-heavy, end just as quickly.
Hopefully your guy is different. Perhaps he’s just nervous. Texting can’t replace quality time in person. Take a look at my latest YourTango Experts video, where I address the texting issue in a relationship. Time will tell if your guy is for real and time is a precious gift.
Keep me posted.
Wishing you much love and happiness.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Follow her @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
Are you ready to change your zip code to find love online?
Our friends at Chemistry.com have announced their Top 10 list of cities where you’re more likely to find a sensitive man.
Most of the cities on the list are on the east coast, except for Nashville, Indianapolis, and West Hollywood.
Dr. Helen Fisher, Chemistry’s Chief Scientific Officer and a former featured guest on Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show said, “Men do have a sensitive side.” Fisher added, ‘They want to please. They want to do the “right” thing.
The Top 10 list includes:
1. Popmano Beach, FL
2. Roanoke, VA
3. West Hollywood, CA
4. Nashville, TN
5. Buffalo, NY
6. Sarasota, FL
7. Greenville, SC
8. Wilmington, NC
9. Indianapolis, IN
10. Staten Island, NY
Ready to dive in and find a sensitive man? Click here to sign up and remember to share your online dating stories at CyberDatingExpert.com.
Full article @Chemistry Blog
Feeling like your long-term relationship is ready for the next step? Watch this video with Julie Spira and Charles J. Orlando with their thoughts on who should propose marriage, the woman or the man.
We know that men don’t like ultimatums, but how do they feel about the marriage proposal? Feel free to chime in with your thoughts and comments.
Groupon, Living Social, and a myriad of deal-of the day sites have sprouted up like wild-fire. It’s too tempting not to look at a deal in your city. So what’s a dater to do when the options are presented to him, but he wants to make a good first impression when he meets his online date?
I was asked a series of questions on the subject in relation to the New York Post article, Discount Dating, and as a coupon-cutter myself, have some strong thoughts on dating with discounts. If you follow these rules of netiquette for dating in a web 2.0 world, you’ll be on your way to a second or third date.
1. Should you tell your date if you’re using a discount? Or should you keep the Groupon in your pocket a secret? Why or why not?
If you’re meeting someone for the first time, bragging about your two-for-one discount won’t make you look good. She’ll think your entire courtship will be done on frequent flyer miles. It’s best to just hand the coupon to the server when you place your order. Your date will notice and will appreciate your tact and desire to impress her while staying on a budget.
2. If you do tell your date, when should you let them know? Before the date or during the date?
If your discount-dating offer is for a very specific menu item or activity, you’ll need to share that with your date at the time you sit down to order or meet. There’s no point in saying in advance, “I’d love to have a date with you and I’ll be using a discount coupon.” You’ll run the risk of her turning you down as your frugal ways won’t be filled with sex-appeal.
3. If you feel using discounts on a date is tacky, should you speak up? Or suffer in silence?
There’s nothing wrong with using discounts on a date as long as they aren’t the focus of your conversation. Saying, “Hey baby, do you want to go on a discount date with me?” or “I’ve got this great coupon” won’t impress her if you’re on a first or second date. If you’ve been dating for a while, you should feel comfortable in suggesting an outing that involves a discounted item or Groupon offering. Dating can be expensive and if you’re looking to impress your date, going for more than coffee may result in you getting a second date with the object of your affection.
4. What type of discount is best to use (a discount for an unusual activity like rockclimbing or shooting range lessons — or a more traditional date like 50% off dinner?)
Activity discounts are never looked down upon as cheap. The tricky part is grabbing your discount during a limited time period while hoping that your date will want to go rock climbing or white water rafting. There is something unique about activity dates where a woman will look the other way when the coupon is presented.
5. Is using Groupon OK for a first or second date?
Using Groupon on a first date for dining is just a step above asking someone to split an appetizer when you thought you were meeting for a full meal on your date. It can be awkward with someone you have just met.
You have a split-second to make a bad impression on a first date. I recommend saving the Groupon or deal-of-the-day offer for future dates once you’re more comfortable with each other. The only way Groupon is acceptable on a first date is when you go to a restaurant with a pre-paid purchase towards your meal. If you buy $50 worth of food at a great restaurant for $25 and it goes towards your total meal value, it’s no different than using a gift card that you might have received as a present. It’s best to downplay the use of Groupon or a deal-of-the-day coupon in front of your date early on in the relationship. If you’re worried you might make a bad impression by using Groupon or a deal-of-the day discount, or your deal requires that your date order a specific entrée, save your deal for future dates when you’ve gotten to know her better, or use your offer on your Guys’ Night Out.
6. What about using a Groupon discount for all of your first three or four dates with someone?
Using a Groupon type service on all of your first few dates will backfire on you. She may be the Coupon Queen at the grocery store, but dating a Coupon King just isn’t very sexy. He’ll come across as cheap instead of someone who’s smart about money.
7. Are there different do’s and don’t for men and women regarding these discounts? IS it OK for women to suggest using the discount?
There are so many stereotypes as it relates to dating and digital dating has it’s own set of rules. Women who use coupons are looked upon favorably by men. A guy will think she’ll be considerate about how to spend his money and that dating her won’t break his bank. Unfortunately, the opposite is true as it relates to men. A woman will look at a discount guy as cheap early on in the relationship. It’s best for a man not to suggest a discount on a first or second date. Bragging about his recent Groupon acquisitions just isn’t sexy to a woman.
8. Who should pay (man or woman) if a discount is used? The person who does the asking? The person who finds the coupon? Should it be split if the coupon is giving you 50% off?
Generally, men pay on the first date and most dates with or without a coupon. If the woman has purchased a Groupon or deal-of-the day coupon, it’s her way of offering to pay or at least contribute the value of the coupon towards the meal. Asking to split the cost of the Groupon or coupon is like asking someone to go Dutch treat. It’s a netiquette no-no.
8. Any other do’s and don’ts you advise when it comes to discount dating?
Discount Dating Do’s:
Do let your guy take the lead. If he suggests a discount dating event, feel free to suggest one for a future date.
Do expect to pay for your deal-of-the day or Groupon meal or activity if you purchased it on your own. Asking to be reimbursed is a netiquette no-no.
Do find plays or activities of interest to you and your date using deal-of-the-day or Groupon type specials.
Do downplay your Groupon or discount if it comes up while submitting it to the server. Make your date think she’s worth every moment and every cent.
Discount Dating Don’ts:
Don’t make every date a discount date. Select a restaurant or venue within your budget and vary it up.
Don’t make the subject of discount dating at the top of your list. It goes hand-in-hand with talking about your ex, and that breaks the rules of netiquette for dating.
Don’t take inventory of all of your Groupon purchases while on a date. Even at 50% off, it can add up and you’ll appear to have a spending problem.
Don’t complain to your date that they are cheap if they are using a discount dating offer. Dating can be expensive and if he wants to take you somewhere other than a coffee shop, appreciate his efforts to impress you and act like a lady.
Are you using discount coupons while dating? We’d like to hear your thoughts and comments.
Julie Spira is an online dating, social media, and netiquette expert. She’s the bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and The Rules of Netiquette: How to Mind Your Manners on the Web. Follow her on Twitter @JulieSpira. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com. Like her at Facebook.com/cyberdatingexpert
If you’re single, you might have stayed home and pulled the sheets over your head until the clock struck midnight. Other singles that I heard from gathered together for the evening and sipped a few cocktails together and then went home alone. It was agonizing. It was painful. I know, you don’t want to have another Valentine’s Day alone, which is why you’re visiting this site right now.
So, as the bearer of good news, we’re heading into March Madness and Spring Fever will be around the corner. What does this mean for singles? It means the holiday season from Thanksgiving through Valentine’s is thankfully over. The men who disappeared in the weeks leading to Valentine’s Day are resurfacing right now since the holiday pressure has subsided.
So toss away your favorite red dress for a moment and let’s talk about some online dating tips to get your profile noticed and rise to the top.
1. Start from Scratch. If you still like your current site, you don’t need a makeover of your present profile. What you need is a brand new profile originating from a new and unique email address. If you’ve taken a break from online dating and are ready to jump back in, don’t refresh your existing profile. Retire it permanently and start from scratch. This way you’ll show up in a search as “brand new” and you’ll be the fresh new face in the digital playing field.
2. Change Your Catchy Screen Name. Let’s face it. Your current screen name isn’t really that catchy is it? If so, you’d be riding into the sunset with someone right now. Think about a name that doesn’t describe you to your girlfriends. You’re writing to attract a quality man and he doesn’t want to hear about your shopping expeditions. While you may be a fashionista and will look great on a date, he’ll think you’ll be spending all of his money while gallivanting at the mall and won’t be spending time with him. Think about what you’d like to do together as a couple. What activities and interests will you have in common? Imagine spending them with your dream guy. Pick three different catchy screen names and rotate them on your profile headline. Don’t describe yourself as pretty or beautiful as you will seem shallow. Men are visual. They’ll notice how you look in your profile photos. You’ll know soon enough which names get the most attention.
3. Be Realistic. I’m not saying don’t be picky. Wanting a Renaissance man who makes $300,000 a year and will give you back massages and write you love notes all day long is not realistic. Whatever you have on your list, cut your list in half to show the absolutely most critical things you want in a partner. Our goal is to help you find love and a meaningful relationship. I know you can find it online and I’m here to help you do so.
4. Spend One Hour a Day Online. You say you’re too busy to spend one hour searching through profiles and finding quality men to date? If you can find time to go to the gym three times a week, meet your girlfriends for drinks, and attend business networking events, then you must allocate one hour a day to devote to your love life. I know you’re already logging onto Facebook up to an hour every day. While you’re checking the latest status updates and commenting, cut that time down and visit your online dating site.
5. Two is Better Than One. Online dating is a numbers game. Fortunately, there are over 1500 sites to pick from. My suggestion is to sign up for one mainstream popular site that has a lot of active members and select a second niche site to post another profile. If you’re wondering what a niche site is, it’s one that focuses in on your hobbies or religious beliefs. There are sites for book lovers, vegetarians, pet lovers, and those with medical conditions. There truly is someone for everyone. Visit our Dating Community for some sites that I recommend.
Make this spring your time to find the love that you truly are looking for. If you need personalized help with your online dating profile, you’re not alone. Contact us to find out more about coaching programs at CyberDatingExpert.com/Irresistible Coaching. We’ll help you create an irresistible online dating profile to attract your dream date.
In a plan to continue to be more social media friendly, eHarmony has just announced their new service called “Your New Activity Feed” to help you while looking for love online.
Broken down into four simple categories including Communication, Photo Updates, Profile Updates, and Who’s Viewed Me, users can enhance their experience by seeing who is active on the site. Some of these features are in line with Facebook profiles, which online daters are so accustomed to. The new photo updates will always pique someone’s curiosity. Knowing that someone recently viewed your profile gives you a quick advantage to responding to someone who is more likely to want to communicate with you. (see photo screen shot).
In their email, eHarmony provided a “Quick Tip,” which I’ve been teaching singles for quite some time now. “If you want a great way to get your matches to take a second look at you, update your profile or post your latest photos and you will go to the top of their feed.” Refresh and renew your profile if you want to have more success with Internet dating.
In honor of Valentine’s month, eHarmony is offering their free guided communication service through the end of February. Click the link below to sign up and take advantage of their special offer.