Dear Cyber Dating Expert,
I desperately need some online dating advice. I met a guy on OkCupid last week and we had the perfect date. The next day he reached out to hang out again and even introduced me to his engaged friends and we went on a double-date. That night we ended up sleeping together and I thought everything was going so well.
We continued to talk and he remained sweet and attentive. We made plans to meet up a few days later and I went to his place and we watched a movie. Again, he was very affectionate, held my hand, kissed me on the head/check, etc.
What threw me was when I saw his cell phone light up with text messages from random numbers he hadn’t saved to his phone. Immediately I knew these were probably other girls he was communicating with from OKC. My heart sank. I thought everything was great until I saw those texts! He seems SO into me, but now I feel like I have something to prove and other girls to beat out. I just don’t want to get involved and get my heart broken, but I like him and don’t want to lose out on getting to know him better.
Do I play it cool, let him take the reins for now? Or should I be proactive & initiate more dates with the chance of coming off aggressive/desperate?
Thanks for your email.
I understand why you’d be upset about seeing text messages you believe were from other women that your new guy might be chatting with.
Because you both met on an online dating site, unless you’ve had the conversation about being exclusive, assume that you’re not. After all, you were only dating for one week when you noticed these anonymous texts.
Sleeping together while you both have active online dating profiles isn’t something that I recommend, unless you don’t mind if he’s seeing other people.
Once a woman sleeps with a man, the hormones kick in and women get very attached and bonded, even if the guy isn’t really good for you. When the sex is good, it’s natural to hope and think that he won’t want to be with anyone else. Maybe he’s ignoring those text messages, after all you’ve only known him for a short while.
My advice is to keep it cool and date him if he asks you out on a proper date, but don’t sleep with him again. Sure you can hug, kiss, fool around, etc. Please don’t make a big deal out of the text messages, as men don’t like a high-drama, clingy or possessive woman in their lives. Just show him that you’re the confident great woman that you are. If he calls, return his calls. If he texts, return his texts. If he asks you out and you’re free, go out on a date with him, but let him know that you like him, but realize that you aren’t into casual sex if it comes up. Let him know how much you’re enjoying getting to know him. I know it’s hard to go backwards, but it’s worse to sleep with him and then wonder if he’s logging on to find someone to sleep with the next night. That’s the risk with online dating. If he tells you it’s not acceptable, then he doesn’t really want you as his girlfriend. He might just be looking for a booty call or friends with benefits relationship. Throwing yourself at him won’t help. It will kill the chances to have a relationship with this guy. Being great in the bedroom doesn’t mean he won’t look elsewhere. Being the confident girl he can’t be without will make him want you to be his girl. Let him take the lead and initiate dates with you.
If he really wants to make you his girlfriend, he’ll take down his profile and do whatever it takes. At this point, you haven’t set your boundaries so he doesn’t think it’s a requirement. Don’t be in competition with other women. Just be yourself and feel great about who you are. Please don’t get possessive or start to interrogate him about his text messages or cell phone. Insecurity will kill a relationship. Since he didn’t put those phone numbers in his phone to save them, nor is he hiding his phone, they probably don’t mean much to him anyway. Still, I know it hurts.
I hope this helps and please do keep me posted.
It’s a great honor and joy to let you know that I’ll be a guest on the Marilu Henner show on Friday, January 10, 2014 at 10:08am/PST to talk about my expert online dating tips for the New Year.
Marilu has been an inspiration to millions of women throughout the world and I adore her.
You may remember her from seeing her in over thirty films or six Broadway shows. Perhaps you remember Marilu from and her hit TV shows, “Taxi” and “Evening Shade.” Marilu is also a New York Times Best Selling author of nine books on health, parenting, memory, and lifestyle improvement. Her books have changed the lives of millions in her quest to make the world a healthier place.
As we enter a new year filled with many resolutions, if you’re single, finding love is probably on your list.
I’ll be sharing some of my best tips on how to create an Irresistible Profile to attract your dream date and will be letting you know which cliche’s to avoid in your online dating profile. You’ll learn the secrets on how to write an email to capture his or her attention.
I know that Valentine’s Day for women is like the Super Bowl for men. I know that life can be stressful for singles leading up to Valentine’s Day and it’s our goal to help you with the tools you need to speed up your search, avoid the pitfalls of online dating and date safely on the Internet.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
It’s a story that’s gone viral on the Internet. A woman in Los Angeles created a fake OkCupid online dating profile to see if men would write back to her, no matter how horrible she was. She did and they did.
As a radio show guest on WLW in Cincinnati, I spoke with Eddie and Tracy about Alli Reed’s experiment. (You’ll need to fast forward 45 minutes to our segment).
For starters, I’m against experiments which entail misrepresentation of people, especially when it includes matters of the heart.
To add to it, anything that would harm another, put down people and be downright rude is at the bottom of the totem pole, even if it ever gets to the dating totem pole.
Still, one has to ask, why would such a horrific profile named AaronCarterFan attract slews of men? Did they even know who Aaron Carter was? Why were these men writing to this angry woman who fakes pregnancies for money, is actively looking just to hook up, and is filled with typos and more?
Let’s start with the fact that both men and women are visual. Alli posted, with permission, a photo of a friend instead of herself. Her friend was a model. Sure, it’s ‘Catfishing’ at its best. Guys like hot chicks who have a sultry face. They don’t even need to read the profile. While not gender specific, I have to point out that women also like handsome men and bad boys.
Second, she appeared to be easy in the bedroom, yet difficult to score with, meaning she was a challenge. Guys love the chase and love a challenge. Guys knew that there was an “auction” going on and the highest bidder of the hundreds of emails that she was receiving would win the prize, or would it? Her experiment yielded 150 emails in 24 hours. That’s a pretty active response.
After responding to these men to keep the experiment alive, Alli posted the details of her experiment on Cracked.com, where she shared the four lessons learned.
In her blog, she says, “So I made the OkCupid profile of the Worst Woman on Earth, hoping to prove that there exists an online dating profile so loathsome that no man would message it. I did not accomplish my goal.”
She engaged in over 500 emails and made National TV, which could help her writing career.
Does this mean that nice guys and good girls finish last? I don’t think so. At the end of the digital day, I’ll defer to the Fleetwood Mac song which says “Players on love you when they’re playing.” I’ll take the nice guy any day.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and founder of CyberDatingExpert.com. She was an early adopter of the Internet and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
The first Cyber-Dating Expert Weekly Flirt newsletter of 2014 is reading for your reading pleasure.
Tick, tick, tick…What will you be doing on Sunday night at 8:57pm?
As we embark on a New Year, I know many of you start putting together your lists of resolutions and think about how much better 2014 will be as compared to 2013.
If so, you’re not alone. Maybe you’ll date a different type this year. Perhaps you’ll encourage your children to look at love differently.
The good news is, that this is the number one busiest week for new singles to join online dating sites. As a matter of fact, Match reports that this Sunday is the busiest time of the year for singles looking for love online. Think about it. It’s the first weekend and relaxing day after two weeks of holiday fun and interruptions. Already the phone is ringing with singles hoping to ramp up the search.
Other sites such as JDate and ChristianMingle concur with these findings that show peak season starts on December 26th and lasts through February 14th.
Ready to jump in? Let us know how we can help you find love in 2014 and what relationship challenges you’re facing with our Irresistible Profiles or online dating profile critiques. Ready, set, go!
On January 14-17, 2013, I’ll be heading to Las Vegas for the Internet Dating Conference, where I’ll be presenting the award for the best mobile dating app. If you’ll be attending, do let us know!
Not single? Feel free to share the Weekly Flirt with your friends and loved ones.
~Julie Spira and the Cyber-Dating Expert Romance Team
Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for online dating advice
In this week’s Ask the Cyber Dating Expert column, we heard from Jennifer…or was it Valerie?
What’s in a name you might ask?
USA Today reported this week that the top baby names for girls were Sophia and Isabella.
So when Valerie contacted me to critique her online dating profile, I questioned why her user name was “MeetJennifer.”
According to Valerie, she believed that 47% of men liked the name Jennifer. She truly believed that she’d get more views of her online dating profile, with the result of meeting more men.
Apparently this trick didn’t work. In the top 20 list of most popular baby names for girls, Jennifer didn’t appear anywhere. It was all in her head.
You see, men don’t want to be tricked. They’ll view a large bouquet of profiles and decide which thumbnail photos appeal to them. Then, if intrigued by what they see, they’ll try to remember your screen name and will read a few sentences of your profile, which would hopefully lead to a short introduction email to get the digital ball rolling.
Although men are used to women lying about their weight and age, they would prefer that women would be honest about it. They’ll even go to great lengths and look at a potential date’s Facebook or Linkedin page to see if the photos match up. Once you start with a trick or a lie, they’ll always wonder what else you might be hiding.
While it might seem innocent to change your name on your profile, it isn’t wise. If you say your name is Jennifer, they’re hoping that Jennifer will answer the phone when they call. They’re happy to go on a date with Jennifer. But men are visual. It really doesn’t matter what your first name is, as long as you’re honest.
Valerie was going on coffee dates and explaining to guys that her real name wasn’t Valerie. This became confusing to men and took up a lot of time in the conversation. Many men wondered what else Valerie was making up if she’d change her first name to attract their attention. Valerie no longer became a top prospect to men, because of misleading advertising. She rarely went on second dates.
While you think I’m overreacting, I beg to differ. Valerie’s date card is empty and she’s still single.
The best advice I gave her was to change her profile name completely and not to include the first name of any woman, including herself. Have a catchy screen name that expresses what she’s passionate about. Let the real Valerie answer the phone, emails, and show up on a date.
A confident woman is what a man wants. It doesn’t matter what her name is. All that matters is that she’s real and he wants her to be his girlfriend.
My best advice is to toss out any insecurities or tricks to try to get the guy. If he’s interested, you’ll know it. When he’s lying in bed next to you at night, let him whisper your real name.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Julie Spira is an Online Dating Expert and was an early adopter of the Internet. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
Many thanks to ABC TV in Los Angeles for interviewing me on the subject of online dating and mobile dating in a recent segment on the news. They were kind enough to come up with this cute graphic of some of my Top mistakes you must avoid with Internet dating. Ready to fill your date card? I thought so.
With the holiday surge of singles joining online dating sites, here are some expert dating tips to help you stand out in the crowded digital playing field. In 20 years of online dating coaching, there is definitely a method to the madness.
Here are some Online Dating Dos and Don’ts.
1. Don’t include a list of turnoffs in your profile. We know you don’t like a guy who smokes, so rather than insisting on it in your essay portion, leave it for the multiple choice questions where you say you prefer dating a non-smoker. Once you start listing your dating don’ts, your potential date will view you as difficult and not being able to measure up to everything on your list. Stay positive and talk about things you’d like to do together as a couple instead.
2. Don’t say you want a drama-free woman. Unless you hated studying acting in college, saying you want a drama-free woman sends the message that your ex must have been emotionally draining. No one goes through life without “life lessons.” It gives people character. Guys who write about “drama-free” women are the one’s who have expectations that are too high. Besides, it’s a cliche that needs to be tossed out.
3. Don’t mention sex in your profile. Everyone knows that guys undress women with their eyes, so saying you’d like to meet someone sexy or having a profile user name with a few X’s in it isn’t going to score points. It’s the ultimate turn-off for a woman to read that in a man’s profile. She’ll assume you’ll want to sleep with everyone and anyone. Get it?
4. Don’t start instant messaging right away. Sure the squeaky wheel can get the deal, but being an eager beaver will backfire online. We know your digital crush is hot and you think no one else will get you the way he or she will. Stay out of the fantasy of feeling like you’re in an instant relationship. Sending an IM immediately after viewing his or her profile will send the message that you’re online all the time and could be IM’ing just about everyone. Don’t be that available. Send an email instead and ask if the person is comfortable with chatting online. Not everyone moves at the same digital pace.
5. Don’t tell a woman she is hot. Sending an email to a woman saying she’s “hot” is the equivalent of asking her to go to bed with you immediately. Don’t be surprised if she deletes your email and blocks you. Yes, ouch it hurts, but women want to be appreciated and loved, not looked at as a physical object. Think it, but don’t say it. Find another way to compliment her. Say you like her hot pink dress and that it looks amazing on her. She’ll feel flattered.
6. Don’t wait to long to ask her out. Most people don’t join online dating sites looking for a digital pen pal. Writing back-and-forth for a few weeks will make his or her feelings fizzle, not sizzle. If you feel there’s a connection online, graduate to a phone call and see if there’s any chemistry. If so, make a date to meet IRL. If you don’t someone else will.
If you practice some of these Internet dating tips, you’ll be filling your date card for the holidays. Who knows? You must just be kissing under the mistletoe this year.
What are some of your dating dos and don’ts?
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and was an early adopter of Internet dating. She created her first dating profile 20 years ago and today, coaches singles on the dating scene who are looking for love online. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt.
When there’s mutual chemistry with someone you’ve met online and you start texting daily, are you in a relationship just yet? A young woman asks the Cyber-Dating Expert for help on what to do when she sees his active profile online.
I signed up for eHarmony as a one month experiment and wasn’t sure what to expect. I got lucky and the first guy I met I felt instant chemistry with and he felt the same way!
We went on a second date the following week and also had a great time. We both work a lot so it was hard to schedule our third date before I left for an out-of-town trip, but he has been texting me everyday since I’ve been gone and today even sent me a message that he is kind of missing me : ) I have been missing him, which seems so weird for someone I have only hung out with twice, and my reply was that : You just made me smile.
I’ve been busy traveling and was trying to be focused on one person rather than adding 2-3 more guys to the mix.
My membership renewed automatically for a second mont, but I hadn’t logged on since I met this wonderful guy. Today, I logged on after receiving a renewal notice only to see that he had been “active” today on the site. I’m not sure what that means, but my stomach dropped. We aren’t exclusive, he isn’t my boyfriend, but it bothers me. Is this normal? Do I just let the chips fall as they may?
He texted me again this morning and last night but I am totally freaked out now and want to protect myself from getting hurt.
Take a deep breath.
Your new guy who you had just two dates with is a member of a dating site and is receiving matches and emails from women who have written to him or would like to start the communication process. Out of curiosity, he’s probably reading them and may not be responding to them, especially since he’s now texting you at night and in the morning, and perhaps other times throughout the day.
You’ve had two dates with your dream guy. You have a major crush on each other. This is very exciting, but it was only your first online date. Enjoy staying in touch with your guy and respond to his text messages while you’re out of town. You’re definitely on his mind and men tend to miss women when they’re gone. I know of a man who logged onto his profile after six months of dating someone exclusively. He took one last peek and one week later, he proposed marriage.
Men are allowed to look at other women, online and offline. At some point, if you decide to become exclusive, you should talk about taking your profiles down together. Let’s get to the third date and see how it goes. This is a brand new dating experience for you, and as you said, he’s not your boyfriend yet.
Let him take the lead and yes, let’s see where the chips may fall. Don’t cancel your online dating membership just yet, but if in your heart you don’t want to log on, then just stay the busy happy person that you are.
Do you have a question for Cyber-Dating Expert Julie Spira? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact
We’re jumping for joy at Cyber-Dating Expert headquarters as we’re celebrating the five-year anniversary of our online dating advice site, CyberDatingExpert.com. Although we’ve been helping singles find love online for almost 20 years, the launch of our site catapulted our services to the forefront in the Internet dating industry.
At this half-decade milestone, it’s time for us to take a moment or two and reflect on the past year and thank those who have made us proud to be in the digital love business and remain the go-to source for online dating expert advice.
Irresistible Coaching - Our signature online dating profiles and dating coaching has resulted in many love-birds who are riding into the digital sunset together. From eHarmony to JDate, Tinder to Facebook, we’ve held the hands of many singles before, during, and after their dates. It was a huge pleasure and joy to help several media personalities with their online dating journey, including Sirius-XM’s David Nelson on the Steve Malzberg Show and CBS Radio’s Kim, from the Jim and Kim Show who both took the plunge for the very first time on Match.com. You can listen to the segments by clicking on the links above.
It’s with great enthusiasm to share that we’re in the middle of shooting a feature film where online dating expert Julie Spira is the real-life dating coach of an MTV reality star as he looks for love online. We hope to watch this on the big screen next year. Can we say Red Carpet?
Irresistible Profiles – Our signature online dating profile services help you when you need some extra hand-holding. Our Going Steady and Totally in Love Programs, include creating an irresistible online dating profile to help you shorten the search and ride into the digital sunset together. A New Pew Research study revealed that 32% of women and 17% of men actually enlisted help with their profiles.
In the News – We were interviewed many times in the media, from holiday dating to the Manti Teo fake girlfriend story and of course non-stop with Valentine’s coverage. When Martha Stewart joined Match, we chimed in with advice on how to beef up her profile on the FOX News morning show, Good Day LA. Special thanks to the New York Post, Prevention magazine, Men’s Fitness, NBC News, AARP, Bottom Line Personal, Mercury News, Fashionista, Her Campus, WTOP Radio, Marsha Collier of the Computer & Technology Show, Detroit Free Press, USA Today, Boston Globe, Huffington Post, BBC, eHarmony, Healthy Living, Shape magazine, HLN-TV, Dr. Drew on HLN, CNN, NBC – St. Louis, FOX News – Las Vegas, Prevention magazine, WLW-Radio, Contra-Costa Times, Pro Football Central, Singular City, Kixi – Seattle, Citibank’s Women & Co., Huffington Post, Tonya Hall Radio, Voice of America, WCCO Radio, Ventura County Star, Tech Talk Radio, Hawaii Reporter, Larry Magid, CBS News, Glamour, My Fox Parents, Mashable, LA Weekly, CCTV, Metro News, FOX News magazine, Business Insider, ABC News, Pittsburgh Tribune News, Home & Family on the Hallmark Channel, TodayShow.com, WGN, Christian Science Monitor, iVillage, Look Better Online, Jennings Wire, She Knows, Mobile Dia, San Francisco Chronicle, The Daily Beast, Game n Guide, San Antonio Press News, Match.com’s Happen magazine, Hawaii Reporter, Sci-Fi Today, ABC News – Philadelphia, Babble, Your Tango’s Online Dating BootCamp, Betty Confidential, NY Daily News, Toledo News, Al Jazeera America, Washington Post, Daily Collegian, Take Part Live on PivotTV, and the list goes on. You can check out these stories in our Press Room.
On the Newsstand – Many thanks to Glamour magazine for including our online dating advice in their April issue – Stop Googling Your Dates, Elle magazine in the August issue – The Social Stigma of Online Dating, Men’s Health in the February Issue, Boston Globe, New York Post, and in USA Today twice, among others.
In-Real-Life – It was an honor to host and curate Online Dating BootCamp and Mobile Dating BootCamp at the Internet Dating Conference, iDate and to be a presenter at the iDate awards. Bloomingdales named Julie their dating expert for Makeup-101: Meet Your Beauty Match and Facebook called on Julie to become their dating expert. With the collaboration of Facebook, we launched Facebook Love Stories on Valentine’s Day to highlight those couples who met on Facebook. We hope you take a peek at FacebookLoveStories.com. A huge thank you to DatingAdvice.com who named Julie their Online Dating Expert. We hope you read some of the dating advice articles. It was a thrill to be a panelist at Digital LA’s Love Goes Digital, Social Media Club’s: Social Media and Dating Online: It’s Big Business, and at Social Media Week. We hosted the “Pimp Your Profile” seminar with Hurry Date in Los Angeles, and more.
As we look into the future, plan to see more of us featured on television and film, with several big surprise announcements in store in the coming months.
As always, we wish you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice and special offers
As an early adopter of Internet dating and as an Online Dating Expert with almost 20 years of writing dating profiles, I’ve helped many Jewish singles find love on JDate. Some fond memories include one couple who gave birth to the first JDate baby, and another who found love by expanding their zip code to include dating in Europe. Many couples who I’ve coached have taken my online dating advice are now happily married or are in long-term exclusive relationships.
I know that cyber dating can be challenging, but there are so many Internet dating success stories that are worth sharing and I look forward to watching all of your marriage proposal videos.
If you’ve met your fiance or spouse on JDate, I invite you to share a video on their Facebook page about your marriage proposal and enter their Top Proposal Contest.
One lucky couple will be treated to on a 7-Day romantic trip to Breezes in the Bahamas. Isn’t it time for a second honeymoon?
Details can be found on their Facebook Page.
Need help with your online dating profile? Visit IrresistibleProfiles.com to learn more on how we can help you find your dream date.
Photo credit: JDate
She takes the plunge, with a little help from online dating expert and celebrity online dating coach, Julie Spira.
In this segment, Online Dating For Dummies: Guess Who’s The Dummy Is In This Situation? Julie helps Kim, from the Kim Jim & Kim Morning Show on Fresh 102.7 in New York embark on her very first journey into online dating.
Believe it or not, Kim has never tried online dating and co-host Jim, along with producer Craig and myself are going to turn Kim into an Internet dating superstar.
In this segment, we talk about creating Kim’s profile with a catchy screen name. Jim suggested, “DesperationinNYC.” Kim says she’s kitchen impaired and is looking for a guy who will cook her dinner. She admits to sleeping with her two dogs in bed at night, but believes there’s still room for a guy in her life (and bed!)
Kim’s afraid she might scare men off, but she actually likes watching Monday night football.
Listen now to this segment and follow Kim’s progress on Fresh1027.com