In the News

Advice – Why Do You Keep Staring At His Profile?

radioshowlogo4 150x150The good news is, you’ve met someone you’re crazy about online. While it’s normal to log on and read your emails and search for others until you’re exclusive, it’s often painful when your new love interest hasn’t taken his or her profile down.

Trina wrote to me saying she knew she had met ‘the one.’ Her new guy told her on the second date that he was crazy about her and started talking about the future. He wanted to see her all the time and everything was moving in a normal direction except, his profile was still active. This caused Trina great stress and as a result, she started logging on under a different user name over-and-over again to find out when the last time he had logged on.

Just because they haven’t unplugged their profile, doesn’t mean they’re looking for a better option

For Trina, it became a downward spiral that she couldn’t stop. I told Trina, before she started sabotaging her relationship by becoming a cyber-sleuth, she needed to know that there are many reasons why his profile is still active.

  1. He might be too busy with work to take it down
  2. He might be curious as to who has written to him, but isn’t responding
  3. He might be too busy juggling his children
  4. He might realize her profile is still up

The bottom line is, a man often doesn’t see taking his profile down as a priority if he’s courting a woman and behaving like a boyfriend. It falls into the category of digital housekeeping. Instead, this guy was keeping his family and work commitments in order, while trying to court Trina. She receives daily text messages and phone calls from her new guy. From where I stand, he was showing her by his actions, that he wanted her to be his girlfriend.

If this story sounds familiar, I urge you to stop peeking at his or her profile. Stop obsessing what they’re doing when they’re not with you. When a man is juggling, work, joint-custody of children, and his career, he’s got a full and justifiable plate.

The best thing you can do during this in-between period is to stop logging on. Keep yourself busy and be the confident beautiful woman you are. In time, both of you will know when it’s time to have the profile unplugging conversation, but do you really think he’d like to know you’ve been spying on him? It just might send him running for the digital hills.

If you have a burning dating question for Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert,  send it to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace or wherever you may roam.

For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

How to Create the Best Online Dating Profile

onlinedatingprofile 250x300As Valentine’s Day is practically around the corner, one of the most popular questions I receive as an online dating expert is how to have the best online dating profile to find a date in time for Valentine’s. Match now reports that online dating is the #1 way for singles to find a date, with 31% of singles finding love online.

Since Internet dating is available 24-hours a day, it’s time to grab your mobile phone and give your Internet dating profile a simple digital facelift.

Here are 8 tips to help your profile stand out.

1. Create a catchy screen name. Some sites just provide you with a number or variation of a screen name if your chosen name isn’t selected. Using your first name and a handful of digits isn’t catchy. Try to find a name that is unique to you and describes your personality. An example would be MusicLoverNYC if you live in New York and love music. Others would be YogaGirlLA or NurseLori.

2. Leave the novel at home. The best profiles are short and will pique the interest of a potential date. I always recommend 100-125 words in your essay. If it’s shorter, it shows that you’re not taking online dating seriously. If it’s too long, there will be nothing left to talk about on the date. Plus, men don’t like to read long-winded profiles. It seems overwhelming and leaves the perception that you could be a high drama person.

3. Post 3-5 photos. Both men and women are visual. Every profile must have 3-5 photos in it, with the primary photo being a close-up shot with a smile. I always recommend that a woman wear red in her profile, as men see too many little black dresses, so you won’t blend into the thousands of thumbnail shots. Red is also the color of love and passion. Statistics show that women wearing red do receive more views and emails. Remember to include a full-length body shot, so it doesn’t appear that you’re hiding anything and don’t wear sunglasses in your photos.

4. Ditch the selfies. Although the word ‘Selfie’ made it into the Oxford dictionary, a selfie isn’t the most flattering photo, so keep it off of your profile. Remember, this is your love life resume and if you’re hoping to attract the man of your dreams, make sure you look like his dream girl.

5. Ask a question. The goal of online dating is to make your profile come alive and be approachable. If you ask a question in your profile, it makes it easier for your potential date to engage in a conversation with you. After all, you’re trying to develop a rapport with someone, not just be a stagnant billboard.

6. It’s not All About You. A man would like to imagine what a life with you could be like, so make it easier for him to know. Talk about what date night with you would be like and say, on a weekend, it would be great to go hiking with you on a Saturday morning and maybe take in a film matinee in the afternoon. When you talk about your life’s passions, end the sentence with, “what about you?” If you name some of your favorite travel spots, include a question to ask him where his dream trip would be.

7. Be specific. Profiles that are more specific help start the conversation. From a man’s point of view, profiles all look about the same. So say you like to travel, and list some of your favorite travel spots. Talk about how you like music and how the Red Hot Chili Peppers are one of your favorite bands and that you enjoyed watching them in the Super Bowl half time show.

8. Dump the cliches. Men know that women love going on beach walks, but if your profile says I like beach walks, sunset dinners, and love to laugh, your online dating profile is filled with cliches. Leave those conversations for your first few dates and laugh when you’re together, not on your profile.

At the end of the digital day, online dating is a numbers game. You need to play to win.

Here’s more information on how you can get an Irresistible Online Dating Profile.

For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Photo credit: © JiSIGN – Fotolia.com

Why Would the World’s Worst Dating Profile Still Attract Men?

Screen Shot 2014 01 08 at 6.59.49 PM 150x150It’s a story that’s gone viral on the Internet. A woman in Los Angeles created a fake OkCupid online dating profile to see if men would write back to her, no matter how horrible she was. She did and they did.

As a radio show guest on WLW in Cincinnati, I spoke with Eddie and Tracy about Alli Reed’s experiment. (You’ll need to fast forward 45 minutes to our segment).

For starters, I’m against experiments which entail misrepresentation of people, especially when it includes matters of the heart.

To add to it, anything that would harm another, put down people and be downright rude is at the bottom of the totem pole, even if it ever gets to the dating totem pole.

Still, one has to ask, why would such a horrific profile named AaronCarterFan attract slews of men? Did they even know who Aaron Carter was? Why were these men writing to this angry woman who fakes pregnancies for money, is actively looking just to hook up, and is filled with typos and more?

Let’s start with the fact that both men and women are visual. Alli posted, with permission, a photo of a friend instead of herself. Her friend was a model. Sure, it’s ‘Catfishing’ at its best.  Guys like hot chicks who have a sultry face. They don’t even need to read the profile. While not gender specific, I have to point out that women also like handsome men and bad boys.

Second, she appeared to be easy in the bedroom, yet difficult to score with, meaning she was a challenge. Guys love the chase and love a challenge. Guys knew that there was an “auction” going on and the highest bidder of the hundreds of emails that she was receiving would win the prize, or would it? Her experiment yielded 150 emails in 24 hours. That’s a pretty active response.

After responding to these men to keep the experiment alive, Alli posted the details of her experiment on Cracked.com, where she shared the four lessons learned.

In her blog, she says, “So I made the OkCupid profile of the Worst Woman on Earth, hoping to prove that there exists an online dating profile so loathsome that no man would message it. I did not accomplish my goal.”

She engaged in over 500 emails and made National TV, which could help her writing career.

Does this mean that nice guys and good girls finish last? I don’t think so. At the end of the digital day, I’ll defer to the Fleetwood Mac song which says “Players on love you when they’re playing.” I’ll take the nice guy any day.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and founder of CyberDatingExpert.com. She was an early adopter of the Internet and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

 

Cyber-Dating Expert 5th Anniversary Celebration

CDEannivlogo 150x150We’re jumping for joy at Cyber-Dating Expert headquarters as we’re celebrating the five-year anniversary of our online dating advice site, CyberDatingExpert.com. Although we’ve been helping singles find love online for almost 20 years, the launch of our site  catapulted our services to the forefront in the Internet dating industry.

At this half-decade milestone, it’s time for us to take a moment or two and reflect on the past year and thank those who have made us proud to be in the digital love business and remain the go-to source for online dating expert advice.

Irresistible Coaching - Our signature online dating profiles and dating coaching has resulted in many love-birds who are riding into the digital sunset together. From eHarmony to JDate, Tinder to Facebook, we’ve held the hands of many singles before, during, and after their dates. It was a huge pleasure and joy to help several media personalities with their online dating journey, including Sirius-XM’s David Nelson on the Steve Malzberg Show and CBS Radio’s Kim, from the Jim and Kim Show who both took the plunge for the very first time on Match.com.  You can listen to the segments by clicking on the links above.

It’s with great enthusiasm to share that we’re in the middle of shooting a feature film where online dating expert Julie Spira is the real-life dating coach of an MTV reality star as he looks for love online. We hope to watch this on the big screen next year. Can we say Red Carpet?

Irresistible Profiles – Our signature online dating profile services help you when you need some extra hand-holding. Our Going Steady and Totally in Love Programs, include creating an irresistible online dating profile to help you shorten the search and ride into the digital sunset together. A New Pew Research study revealed that 32% of women and 17% of men actually enlisted help with their profiles.

In the News – We were interviewed many times in the media, from holiday dating to the Manti Teo fake girlfriend story and of course non-stop with Valentine’s coverage. When Martha Stewart joined Match, we chimed in with advice on how to beef up her profile on the FOX News morning show,  Good Day LA. Special thanks to the New York Post, Prevention magazine, Men’s Fitness, NBC News, AARP, Bottom Line Personal, Mercury News, Fashionista, Her Campus, WTOP Radio, Marsha Collier of the Computer & Technology Show, Detroit Free Press, USA Today, Boston Globe, Huffington Post, BBC, eHarmony, Healthy Living, Shape magazine, HLN-TV, Dr. Drew on HLN, CNN, NBC – St. Louis, FOX News – Las Vegas, Prevention magazine, WLW-Radio, Contra-Costa Times, Pro Football Central, Singular City, Kixi – Seattle, Citibank’s Women & Co., Huffington Post, Tonya Hall Radio, Voice of America, WCCO Radio, Ventura County Star, Tech Talk Radio, Hawaii Reporter, Larry Magid, CBS News,  Glamour, My Fox Parents, Mashable, LA Weekly, CCTV, Metro News, FOX News magazine, Business Insider, ABC News, Pittsburgh Tribune News, Home & Family on the Hallmark Channel, TodayShow.com, WGN, Christian Science Monitor, iVillage, Look Better Online, Jennings Wire, She Knows, Mobile Dia, San Francisco Chronicle, The Daily Beast, Game n Guide, San Antonio Press News, Match.com’s Happen magazine, Hawaii Reporter, Sci-Fi Today, ABC News – Philadelphia, Babble, Your Tango’s Online Dating BootCamp, Betty Confidential, NY Daily News, Toledo News, Al Jazeera America, Washington Post, Daily Collegian, Take Part Live on PivotTV, and the list goes on. You can check out these stories in our Press Room.

On the Newsstand – Many thanks to Glamour magazine for including our online dating advice in their April issue – Stop Googling Your Dates, Elle magazine in the August issue – The Social Stigma of Online Dating, Men’s Health in the February Issue, Boston Globe, New York Post, and in USA Today twice, among others.

In-Real-Life – It was an honor to host and curate Online Dating BootCamp and Mobile Dating BootCamp at the Internet Dating Conference, iDate and to be a presenter at the iDate awards. Bloomingdales named Julie their dating expert for Makeup-101: Meet Your Beauty Match and Facebook called on Julie to become their dating expert. With the collaboration of Facebook, we launched Facebook Love Stories on Valentine’s Day to highlight those couples who met on Facebook. We hope you take a peek at FacebookLoveStories.com. A huge thank you to DatingAdvice.com who named Julie their Online Dating Expert. We hope you read some of the dating advice articles. It was a thrill to be a panelist at Digital LA’s Love Goes Digital, Social Media Club’s: Social Media and Dating Online: It’s Big Business, and at Social Media Week. We hosted the “Pimp Your Profile” seminar with Hurry Date in Los Angeles, and more.

As we look into the future, plan to see more of us featured on television and film, with several big surprise announcements in store in the coming months.

As always, we wish you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice and special offers

 

To Post, or Not to Post ‘Selfies’ on Your Online Dating Profile

Fotolia 52794659 XS 300x191With celebrities such as Rhianna posting ‘Selfie’ photos, should you jump in on the ‘Selfies’ bandwagon on your Internet dating profile?

Let’s start with what is a ‘Selfie?’ It’s one of the most popular hashtags on Twitter when someone snaps their own photo with their mobile phone. Usually it’s goofy, a bathroom shot in the mirror, or in the case of Rhianna, a bikini shot or two.

I love technology and there’s no doubt that the iPhone has made cyberdating a whole lot easier and so much more fun.

As the cameras continue to improve on the Samsung Galaxy, iPhones, and other mobile devices, while Instagram remains the favorite social networking photo site du jour, the prevalence of ‘Selfies’ photos are appearing more often on Internet dating profiles.

So who’s posting ‘Selfies’ and are they narcissistic, funny, expected, or a turn-off? Just because celebrities are jumping on the ‘Selfie’ bandwagon, should you?

In a recent Glamour magazine article, a list of 11 turn-offs to men who viewed women’s online dating profiles listed ‘Selfies” twice.
Men felt that posting over ¾ of your profile photos as ‘Selfies’ was a turn-off.

“Just makes me wonder how long you spent in your room taking shots that didn’t make the cut,” one guy claimed.

In addition, the bathroom ‘Selfie’ is an online dating no-no.

“Unless it’s done ironically, in which case, are you free on Thursday?” was another response.

Taking it a step further, research from the University of Birmingham in the UK found that too many ‘Selfies’ posted on Facebook could actually damage your relationship.

David Houghton, the lead researcher said, “‘Selfies,’ or self-portraits, seem to be some of the most irksome images.”

In a recent interview with the New York Daily News, I provided several tips for those who have no self-control when posting ‘Selfies.’ Including:

Ladies: No Bikini Photos. Just because Rhianna does it, doesn’t mean your potential online date will appreciate yours. A bikini shot is just lingerie with different material. A man will undress you with his eyes. There’s no need to say take me to the bedroom with your bikini ‘Selfie.’

Guys: Ditch the Mirror Photos. Posting a photo of yourself without wearing a shirt in the bathroom mirror has become as cliché as the woman who says she wants to go on beach walks in her Internet dating profile.

While authenticity is appreciated in posting recent photos, we know that the selfies shots aren’t usually your best. I say save them for Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Put your best digital foot forward and post the best photos you can of yourself. Add the dates they were taken, so your online date will know how recent they are.

Are you posting ‘Selfies’ on your dating profile? What has the response been?

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter to join in the conversation.

Photo credit: © berc – Fotolia.com

How to Describe Yourself Exactly to Attract Your Dream Date

ODBC.Ep3  300x167In an ongoing series with YourTango, I’ve been helping Lauren find love on Match.

As I critiqued her profile, we needed to make changes in her geographic area as she only wanted to meet men within a ten mile radius. This wasn’t realistic. Think about it. If you could fall in love with someone on an airplane, would you mind if he lived an hour away?

Today’s lesson is:

“How do you describe yourself exactly to attract the kind of man you’re looking for?”

Watch as we hone done the profile, toss out photos that didn’t make her look her very best, and convinced her to date men a little bit younger, since she said she was only looking for someone 17-years older. Seriously Lauren, a mature man closer in age to you might be a great husband.

Watch as we cast a much wider net, so Lauren can find the man of her dreams online.

Miss a previous episode of Online Dating BootCamp? Watch our videos here.

Find out more about Online Dating BootCamp and how to create an Irresistible Profile with private coaching by Julie Spira

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and was an early adopter of Internet Dating. She helps singles on the dating scene with her Irresistible coaching and is the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

3 Changes to Instantly Improve Your Online Dating Profile

Fotolia 18812125 XS 150x150At Cyber-Dating Expert Headquarters, we hear complaints from both men and women about how every profile seems to look the same after a while. Singles get frustrated too easily, because there are too many choices. As a result, the searching process becomes so blurry, that they often just turn off the computer and go out to hang out with their friends.

Think about it and let’s compare it to selecting the perfect scoop of ice cream to sweeten your palate. If the choices were all vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry, it might not be that inviting as compared to Pineapple Passion Fruit, Cinnamon Buns, or Karamel Sutra, just a few flavors I can’t wait to try when I’m at Ben and Jerry’s.

So without further digital ado and minus the calories, here are a few steps you can do to immediately have a more unique profile, without resorting to posting skydiving photos.

1. Dump the Cliché’s.  Every girl dreams of taking a romantic beach walk or staring at the sunset for a dream date. Let’s take a reality check and ask yourself, just how many beach walks are you going on? Maybe you’ll do so with a date at some point, but it’s oh so boring for them to read this over-and-over again. It goes hand-in-hand with saying you can dress from jeans to black-tie and want a man with a sense of humor.  So if you’re asking for a guy who works hard and plays hard, you’re not one in a million. You’re among the multi-million profiles with those same overused words.

Solution: Nix these clichés now and replace them with photos and actions and about what makes you the girl he wants to know more about. If you’re stumped, ask a friend what makes you different and unique. He or she may remind you how you’re the first one out at 6am to clean the bay or love the fact that you volunteer to feed the homeless in soup kitchens on Thanksgiving. Replace the blue jeans to black tie cliché with photos of you dressed in a variety of outfits. He’ll get the picture and will want to see more.

2. Ask a Question.  This is something that I believe is an absolute must on every profile. Remember that your profile shouldn’t be a monologue or all about you. You need to start a two-way dialog with your profile as a brief introduction about yourself.  Your dream date must be able to imagine his or her life with you, not just watching you from afar wondering if he’ll fit it or not.

Solution: Name a few of your favorite vacation spots and ask if you’re date has ever been there before. List a local mountain you’d like to hike and ask if he’s ever done that before. Mention a rock band that you’ve always wanted to see and ask if you’re the only one who hasn’t seen Lady Gaga in concert. Mention you’d like to take golf lessons and have clubs collecting dust in the garage and ask if anyone would like to go with you to the driving range. This makes it easier for someone to write to you with a specific solution and answer to your question. It will instantly increase the amount of emails that you’ll be receiving.

3. Reduce the word count. Yes, describing your life story should be written in your personal journal and not be on your dating profile. Statistics show that writing a shorter profile will get more responses. Not everyone reads your entire profile and you’ll be lucky if they read the first few sentences. If they scroll down and notice a long-winded profile, it’s likely that they’ll say, “Next!”

Solution: Leave the novel at home. Drop the long drawn out description and reduce your profile by at least a paragraph, if not more.  Remember, dating is about getting to know you over time. Details of your relationship and family history and listing every vacation you’ve gone on won’t leave room for imagination. It’s a digital dance, so make it a sneak peek into your life.

Make some of these changes to your profile now and cyber love will just be a click away. Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene.  For more online dating advice, sign up for the free Weekly Flirt and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter.

Photo credit: Maxim_Kazmin – Fotolia.com

Online Dating BootCamp – Creating an Irresistible Profile [Video]

Meet Lauren who signed up for Online Dating BootCamp with Cyber-Dating Expert Julie Spira. In a video series on YourTango, we’ll follow her progress while she looks for love online.

Lauren has a new profile on Match and has high hopes that she’ll find someone to marry.

In this video, you’ll find out how to create a catchy screen name, learn the best number of photos to include in an Internet dating profile, and how to describe exactly what you’re looking for.

For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert. To learn about Online Dating BootCamp, visit IrresistibleProfiles.com

Julie Spira on Good Day LA – Online Dating Tips for Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart’s decision to join Match.com is still a hot topic. If Martha loves dating, of course she should join the millions of singles who are members of an online dating site.

As a guest on the FOX News show, Good Day LA I spoke with Steve Edwards and Robin Sax with suggestions for Martha’s new online dating profile.

I believe Martha needs to create a catchy screen name. Using her real name of Martha Stewart is fine for Linkedin and Twitter, but since she says she feels like she’s 45-50, then she should create a fun and flirty user name for her profile. Martha’s new profile reveals that she’s selected the title of her new book as her screen name. In her profile, of TheGoodLongLife, she indicates that she’s seeking men 55-70 who make $150,000 or more.

Martha should post 3-5 recent photos of herself, but resist the urge to use her magazine cover to treat her online dating profile like a magazine spread. Those photos should be posted on Facebook instead. So far, she’s only posted two pictures. I guess she’s dipping her toes in slowly.

Martha should list some of her recipes under hobbies. She could say that she bakes an amazing key lime pie and then ask a question such as, “Have you ever tried key lime pie or lobster bisque?” It’s no secret that men love to be fed and this gives the men a reason to write to her.

Online dating can be overwhelming. Martha should create an organizational spreadsheet. My coaching clients all receive a Dating Docket, which they fill out to keep all of their dates straight. After all, she wouldn’t want to call Robert by the name of last night’s date, if his name was actually Richard.

What are you dating tips for Martha Stewart? Your comments are welcome.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and founder of CyberDatingExpert.com. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Full article on My Fox LA

Filter and flirt: How to find love online

EHC 150x150Online dating is much like panning for gold – often, there’s a lot to filter through before anything of value turns up. Key attributes of successful daters include having an open mind and a dedication to what can be a longer process than anticipated.

Passing the various milestones on the way to that special relationship can sometimes also require a little ingenuity and a lot of originality.

The ‘delete’ button can be quick and merciless, so it’s important to think carefully before sending your initial email.

Our friends at eHarmony Canada offer Cyber Dating Expert readers these 6 tips to finding love online in this week’s guest post.

1. Seek out the wheat.

Some in the online dating world complain that the only messages they receive are from undesirable people or those who are not within their search parameters. If this is the case, a simple remedy is to actively seeking out profiles which fit your criteria. Don’t be afraid to write the first message – passivity is a big no-no in the Internet dating world. The competition is fierce and there’s little reward for those who are meek.

2. Take time to read profiles.

Showing that you’ve actually read through someone’s profile is always a good start. Well-respected dating sites such as eHarmony report that messages which include phrases such as ‘good taste’ and ‘you mention’ tend to get high response rates. This is because of the simple fact that they make the recipient feel interesting.

Try and mirror the way a person writes – whether they’re wry, eccentric, earnest or intellectual. Don’t fake it though – if you struggle to think like someone else, they’re probably not a very suitable match.

3. When and when not to compliment.

Compliments aren’t always good. One of the biggest mistakes made in online dating is to compliment someone on their physical appearance. People want to feel like they’re more than just their looks. Instead, compliment them on something that they’ve written or done

4. Keep it short and sweet.

Messages that are overly long can be difficult to reply to. Instead, send no more than three or four sentences while you get to know someone. One of these should ask the recipient a question to encourage a response.

5. No obligation to write back.

It’s important to remember that there are no obligations to reply to every email in online dating.  If an in-built sense of courtesy requires that you do write back, keep the message short and to the point. If you don’t want to receive further messages, say that and wish them the best of luck with their search. Trying to take the sting out of a rejection only confuses things.

6. Don’t take it personally

Even the most excellent communication can fall apart. If someone you thought you were building a relationship stops messaging you, don’t blame yourself. People drop out of online dating sites for any number of reasons. As is frequently said, online dating is a numbers game. You need to play to win.

Need a little help with your online dating profile? Online Dating Expert Julie Spira creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. For more dating advice, sign up for the Weekly Flirt, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, and like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.

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