In this week’s Ask the Cyber Dating Expert column, we heard from Jennifer…or was it Valerie?
What’s in a name you might ask?
USA Today reported this week that the top baby names for girls were Sophia and Isabella.
So when Valerie contacted me to critique her online dating profile, I questioned why her user name was “MeetJennifer.”
According to Valerie, she believed that 47% of men liked the name Jennifer. She truly believed that she’d get more views of her online dating profile, with the result of meeting more men.
Apparently this trick didn’t work. In the top 20 list of most popular baby names for girls, Jennifer didn’t appear anywhere. It was all in her head.
You see, men don’t want to be tricked. They’ll view a large bouquet of profiles and decide which thumbnail photos appeal to them. Then, if intrigued by what they see, they’ll try to remember your screen name and will read a few sentences of your profile, which would hopefully lead to a short introduction email to get the digital ball rolling.
Although men are used to women lying about their weight and age, they would prefer that women would be honest about it. They’ll even go to great lengths and look at a potential date’s Facebook or Linkedin page to see if the photos match up. Once you start with a trick or a lie, they’ll always wonder what else you might be hiding.
While it might seem innocent to change your name on your profile, it isn’t wise. If you say your name is Jennifer, they’re hoping that Jennifer will answer the phone when they call. They’re happy to go on a date with Jennifer. But men are visual. It really doesn’t matter what your first name is, as long as you’re honest.
Valerie was going on coffee dates and explaining to guys that her real name wasn’t Valerie. This became confusing to men and took up a lot of time in the conversation. Many men wondered what else Valerie was making up if she’d change her first name to attract their attention. Valerie no longer became a top prospect to men, because of misleading advertising. She rarely went on second dates.
While you think I’m overreacting, I beg to differ. Valerie’s date card is empty and she’s still single.
The best advice I gave her was to change her profile name completely and not to include the first name of any woman, including herself. Have a catchy screen name that expresses what she’s passionate about. Let the real Valerie answer the phone, emails, and show up on a date.
A confident woman is what a man wants. It doesn’t matter what her name is. All that matters is that she’s real and he wants her to be his girlfriend.
My best advice is to toss out any insecurities or tricks to try to get the guy. If he’s interested, you’ll know it. When he’s lying in bed next to you at night, let him whisper your real name.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Julie Spira is an Online Dating Expert and was an early adopter of the Internet. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
Many thanks to ABC TV in Los Angeles for interviewing me on the subject of online dating and mobile dating in a recent segment on the news. They were kind enough to come up with this cute graphic of some of my Top mistakes you must avoid with Internet dating. Ready to fill your date card? I thought so.
With the holiday surge of singles joining online dating sites, here are some expert dating tips to help you stand out in the crowded digital playing field. In 20 years of online dating coaching, there is definitely a method to the madness.
Here are some Online Dating Dos and Don’ts.
1. Don’t include a list of turnoffs in your profile. We know you don’t like a guy who smokes, so rather than insisting on it in your essay portion, leave it for the multiple choice questions where you say you prefer dating a non-smoker. Once you start listing your dating don’ts, your potential date will view you as difficult and not being able to measure up to everything on your list. Stay positive and talk about things you’d like to do together as a couple instead.
2. Don’t say you want a drama-free woman. Unless you hated studying acting in college, saying you want a drama-free woman sends the message that your ex must have been emotionally draining. No one goes through life without “life lessons.” It gives people character. Guys who write about “drama-free” women are the one’s who have expectations that are too high. Besides, it’s a cliche that needs to be tossed out.
3. Don’t mention sex in your profile. Everyone knows that guys undress women with their eyes, so saying you’d like to meet someone sexy or having a profile user name with a few X’s in it isn’t going to score points. It’s the ultimate turn-off for a woman to read that in a man’s profile. She’ll assume you’ll want to sleep with everyone and anyone. Get it?
4. Don’t start instant messaging right away. Sure the squeaky wheel can get the deal, but being an eager beaver will backfire online. We know your digital crush is hot and you think no one else will get you the way he or she will. Stay out of the fantasy of feeling like you’re in an instant relationship. Sending an IM immediately after viewing his or her profile will send the message that you’re online all the time and could be IM’ing just about everyone. Don’t be that available. Send an email instead and ask if the person is comfortable with chatting online. Not everyone moves at the same digital pace.
5. Don’t tell a woman she is hot. Sending an email to a woman saying she’s “hot” is the equivalent of asking her to go to bed with you immediately. Don’t be surprised if she deletes your email and blocks you. Yes, ouch it hurts, but women want to be appreciated and loved, not looked at as a physical object. Think it, but don’t say it. Find another way to compliment her. Say you like her hot pink dress and that it looks amazing on her. She’ll feel flattered.
6. Don’t wait to long to ask her out. Most people don’t join online dating sites looking for a digital pen pal. Writing back-and-forth for a few weeks will make his or her feelings fizzle, not sizzle. If you feel there’s a connection online, graduate to a phone call and see if there’s any chemistry. If so, make a date to meet IRL. If you don’t someone else will.
If you practice some of these Internet dating tips, you’ll be filling your date card for the holidays. Who knows? You must just be kissing under the mistletoe this year.
What are some of your dating dos and don’ts?
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and was an early adopter of Internet dating. She created her first dating profile 20 years ago and today, coaches singles on the dating scene who are looking for love online. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt.
In this episode of Online Dating BootCamp, Dating Expert Julie Spira works with Lauren from Beverly Hills who is looking for love online.
Just how many photos should you post to your online dating profile? Lauren posted ten photos on her Match profile, but her primary shot showed her wearing sunglasses. Lauren explains that she likes sunglasses, but her stunning eyes were hiding behind her designer shades. An online dating no-no. Remember, women often dress for women. Men like the basics, not the labels. Other shots were blurry, artsy, and didn’t show Lauren at her best.
Watch as we select the best five photos to attract the perfect date, taking into consideration how many “likes” each photo received by the men who viewed her profile.
What photos don’t belong on dating profiles and what’s the magic number? Find out more by viewing our Online Dating BootCamp video.
For more on Online Dating BootCamp, visit CyberDatingExpert.com.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestseller author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Julie was a very early adopter of Internet dating and is the CEO and founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. Julie creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. Follow @JulieSpira for dating advice and like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
I desperately need some online dating advice. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about a year ago. I know he hasn’t had a serious girlfriend since me, but I see that his profile is back up on OkCupid.
I know you told me I could block him online and unfriend him on Facebook so I wouldn’t be uncomfortable when I logged on looking for love. I don’t want him out of my life permanently. Do you think I should email him on the site with a friendly hello? I can’t stop thinking about him. ~Linda
This is a question that single daters ask me all of the time. If he’s online and I’m online, why shouldn’t we give it a second shot? Chances are he’s well aware that you also have an active profile as well. Although every break up is different, a year is enough time for the anger and disappointment to have waned. Since I don’t know who ended the relationship, it’s hard to say what his reaction might be. If you still can’t get him out of your head, don’t write to him to rekindle the romance. Men know they need to be hunters and he isn’t contacting you. If you must write to him, do it in a friendly, humorous way, without the intentions of falling in love, going steady, and riding into the digital sunset together.
The best advice I can give you is to find someone else. There are millions of singles hoping to start a new relationship online that will go the distance. Yours did not. If you decide to write to him , before doing so, get out a piece of paper or create a document on your computer. List the pros and cons of your past relationship. Knock him off the pedestal and be honest about why you broke up and what really irritated you. Did he forget important holidays? Did he refuse to introduce you to his friends and family? Did his job, pets, and buddies rank higher on the totem pole than you did? If so, forget about writing and look for someone new.
If after completing the exercise, you still want to contact him, do it as a friend only. Type something in the subject line that’s non threatening such as “The Computer.” In the body of the email, simply say “Hi! The computer thought you were a good match (sigh). I hope you’re doing great.” That’s it two sentences.
Don’t ask for a reply and don’t expect one. You reached out in a non-threatening way and wished him well. If your former beau goes down memory lane on his own and remembers the good times and suggests getting together, be open to doing so, without jumping for joy with excitement. Even if you have lunch with him, you can’t pick up where you left off. A new friendship may develop. Don’t compare notes as to your good and bad dates during the time you were apart. Be his friend first if the opportunity arises. Then be open to the possibilities. The door is in his court, but you’re the one opening it.
Keep us posted.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Do you have a question for Julie Spira? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact
Find out how our Irresistible Profiles can help you find your dream date.
Whether you’ve gone through a recent breakup or you’ve gotten divorced after 20 years of marriage, even if the wounds are still raw, know that your decision to create an online dating profile is a step in the right direction.
Here are 6 simple tips to get you started.
1. Have a Profile Party. It’s time to take the plunge and join an online dating site. This is a digital statement telling the world that you’re not going to sit home and feel sorry for yourself. I recommend that you grab a girlfriend or two and let them participate in a Profile Party. After all, your BFF’s will want to hear the juicy details of your dates and they truly want to see you move forward with your life. Find a few outfits with bright colors such as red or bright pink and let your friends snap the photos for you. If you’re in the Los Angeles area, you can sign up for our Pimp Your Profile Seminar on May 22nd , where I’ll be working with singles how to ramp up their profile in person! If you’re anxious to get started now, here are some of our favorite dating sites. Some offer special discounts to Cyber-Dating Expert readers.
2. It’s a Bio, not a novel. Not sure what to write about yourself? When creating your Internet dating bio and on your first dates, less is more. Don’t focus on what went wrong in your relationship. Talking about your ex is an instant buzz-kill. You’ll come across as someone who just hasn’t gotten over him or her yet.
3. Talk about the kids. If you’re a parent, do mention how important your children are and list their ages in your profile, but don’t post photos of them. A man would like to know that you have time for him in your life, while you juggle work, parenting, and a new relationship. A woman will project to the future to decide whether she wants to be a part of an extended family. Hiding the kids isn’t going to attract your dream date. An understanding partner will appreciate your devotion to your family.
4. Ask and answer questions. Keep your introduction emails short and simple and mention something in his profile that caught your eye. I recommend only a few sentences. It’s also good to ask a question, which will provoke an answer. Mention one of your favorite rock bands and ask if they’ve ever seen them perform live. List some of your dream vacation spots and ask if they’ve ever traveled there. Your goal is to create a conversation based upon your passions.
5. Head over to Facebook and change your relationship status to “Single.” Yes, it may come to a shock to some of your friends, but others might be ready to introduce you to one of their friends. Some of the couples on Facebook Love Stories actually fell in love on Facebook, reconnected with crushes from high school and college, and tied the knot after seeing that someone they knew was suddenly single again.
6. Give good phone. As a parent, your time is very precious. Do make sure you have a phone date before you set up time to meet in person. If you don’t feel any chemistry on the phone, don’t waste your time on setting up a date that probably won’t go well. Avoid becoming a digital pen pal with your new online crush and take your relationship from online to offline within the first few weeks.
Getting divorced is traumatic for everyone. This isn’t the time to compare war-room stories with potential dates. With these online dating tools at your digital finger tips, you’ll be able to start the next chapter of your life sooner, rather than later. Remember, the person that you’ll be meeting may have also gone through a divorce or loss of a loved one. He or she might be just as nervous as you are about starting over again.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Julie Spira is a top online dating expert who’s been helping singles find love online since 1994. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for our free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
Photo credit: © ijdema – Fotolia.com
On Huffington Post Live, we spent time talking about online dating profile photos and how men respond more frequently to women wearing the color red.
The conversation was based on Adam Alter’s book, Red Tank Pink. Alter, professor of marketing and psychology at NYU’s Stern School of Business insists that the color red or having a red border around your online dating profile is an absolute must.
Joining us was Gabe Zichermann, Gamification expert, who met his boyfriend on mobile dating app, Scruff.com.
Sharing one of my favorite quotes from the late fashion designer Bill Blass, “When in doubt, wear red,” I concurred with Alter’s findings that red does indeed have an impact on the response to dates.
You can watch the video below.
Are you wearing red in your dating profiles?
Julie Spira ia a top online dating expert and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, sign up for the Weekly Flirt and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter.
According to a survey by Lab 42, 1/3 of people are breaking up via text, email, and on Facebook.
I strongly believe that if you’re in an intimate relationship or if you’ve committed to dating someone exclusively, calling it quits should happen in person.
Here are six common and inappropriate ways couples are breaking up in a digital world.
The Direct and Unilateral Breakup
1. Text Message. Seeing a text message saying, “It’s not you, it’s me” is inconsiderate. It also shows signs of disrespect and cowardly behavior. If you can type on the phone, you should be able to pick up the phone and dial it as well.
2. Email. The “Dear John” letter of years ago has been replaced with an email saying it’s over. Do you really want to go down in history as the person who sent a digital “Dear John” letter? Type your letter and send it to yourself. Read it the next morning before calling it quits. You might feel different about it the next day and can possibly save your relationship. Remember. An email can be and will be forwarded, shared, or possibly end up in a blog post or magazine.
3. The fax. Although fax machines are as obsolete as a rotary-dial phone, there still are cases where couples are filing for divorce via fax, with one party being in control and the recipient being shattered by the news.
The Passive-Aggressive Breakup
4. Reactivating an Online Dating Profile. If your significant other disappears for a few days and doesn’t return your calls, it might be time to see if they’ve reactivated their online dating profile. Even if it’s active for an hour or a day, it’s likely that this will get noticed by one of your friends. Is it worth losing a relationship over? I say no.
5. Facebook. Relationships are starting and ending on Facebook. I enjoy sharing the success stories on FacebookLoveStories.com, but cringe when I see someone changing their status relationship to “Single” without discussing it with their partner. Worse yet, a friend my see your sweetheart in the arms of another in a photo proudly displayed on his or her Facebook page.
6. The Disappearing Act. Magicians should be left for the magic show, not for your relationship. If your needs aren’t being met or if you’ve found someone else, don’t leave someone hanging and just stop calling. It’s not over until both people realize where they stand.Don’t disappear on someone you once loved when you’ve unilaterally decided it was time to move on.
At the end of the digital day, you should treat people the way that you want to be treated. Don’t go down in history as being a digital dumper. Often the love you have with the person you’ve invested the time with is worth saving and will be worth its weight in gold, compared to the heartbreak you might be creating.
Have you ever ended a relationship digitally? Did someone ever dump you in an email or text? Would you pull a disappearing act to avoid a confrontation?
Your comments are welcome.
Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and bestselling author. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, sign up for the Weekly Flirt newsletter, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
Photo credit: Pavel Ignatov – Fotolia.com
For those of you who know me, you’ll know that more often-than-not, I’ll be wearing a red dress or sweater when out in public. Red is a signature color that defines both passion and love and is my favorite color for first date outfits and online dating profile photos. It also helps you stand out from the other women who can’t part with their signature little black dress, who don’t realize they’re blending in with the crowd, both online and offline.
This holiday season, you’ll have the chance to shine, both online and IRL, as I’ll go on record saying, “Let them wear red!” Even the late Fashion designer Bill Blass has a famous quote, “When in doubt, wear red.”
Need more expert fashion advice for the holidays?
In a recent article on Fashionista.com, Single All the Way? Expert Fashion Tips for Online Dating, I shared some of my holiday fashion, beauty, and hair tips for those looking for love online.
After all, your online profile photo is your love-life resume. The men you’ll be meeting will be delighted when you resemble the irresistible photos they’ve viewed.
Remember, that women spend too much time dressing for women. Men don’t care about the labels, and it’s rare that I’ll hear a guy ask, “Is that Chanel or Prada?” If you look good in an outfit that fits well and is appealing, they’ll like the package, regardless of the price tag of the item. If red isn’t your color, try pink or fuchsia, as men equate this with femininity. Both red and pink will help your profile stand out instead of wearing black, white, grey, or complicated patterns.
Remember that men undress you with your eyes, so avoid the extra-low cut tops and dresses, and please stay away from bathing suits. It’s no different than lingerie with a different fabric. You’re looking for a soul-mate, not an instant bed-mate.
Remember to wear a few different outfits to show that you’re diverse. This helps you avoid writing the cliché of saying you go from jeans to black-tie. Let the guys see that look instead.
If you’re getting ready for a hot online date or are prepping for your online dating photo shoot, invest $35 and go to a blow-dry bar to get your hair blown out nice and silky. However, don’t become a “hair chameleon,” as having too many different hair colors and styles could be off-putting to men who view your profile. Most men are simple and want truth-in-advertising, so they hope you’ll look like your online dating profile photos. Avoid the desire to have glamour shots taken. Guys will think everything about your profile is photo shopped, from your age to your laugh lines.
Decide which features you want to focus on for your online dating photo shoot. If you have luscious lips, add a bit of color and gloss to accentuate them. A guy will think about what it’s like to kiss you, but if you’re wearing bright red lipstick, he may not want it on his collar just yet. If your eyes are the most flattering, apply eyeliner, fabulous lengthening mascara, and a simple light colored lip-gloss. If you overdo it on the make-up, men will think you’re too high-maintenance and it will actually make you look older. Something we all dread when it comes to posting our age.
At the end of the digital day, a natural look is something most men would enjoy seeing. They won’t know all the effort you put in to creating your irresistible online dating profile. It’s our little secret.
Full article at Fashionista.com
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and Editor-in-Chief at CyberDatingExpert.com. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice sign up for the Weekly Flirt newsletter, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
So your relationship status is listed as a “dud.” Does that mean you should accept your ho-hum love life or are you ready to ignite some fireworks to kick-off the summer holiday?
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As you know, I’m passionate about helping singles find love both online and offline. I also happen to love holiday weekends. It’s the time to ramp up your flirting techniques and mingle with singles all weekend long.
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Who lies the most and what are they lying about online? The largest YouTube News Show, The Young Turks decided to feature a segment on online dating on their popular show. Watch Online Dating Expert Julie Spira share her point, stating there should be some truth-in-advertising in online dating profiles. Spira shares what both men and women lie about the most and asks, “Where should we draw the line from exaggerating your weight and height to blatantly lying about your marital status?”
Is online dating totally accepted by society or is it still taboo? Watch Ana Kasparian (Co-host of The Young Turks and TYT University) as she leads panel to discuss this and more with Lucas Lilieholm (Producer of ‘The Young Turks With Cenk Uygur’ on Current TV), Desi Doyen (Co-host of the radio’s nationally syndicated ‘The Green News Report), and Malcolm Fleschner (Senior Producer of ‘The Point’).
Would you exaggerate the truth to fit into a search? Your thoughts and comments are welcome.