Dear Cyber Dating Expert,
I met this wonderful guy online and we connected on our first date. Yes, it was exciting to have chemistry and we kissed at the end of the date.
By the time I got home, my new guy had already sent me a text message saying how much he enjoyed our date and wanted to get together again. I went to sleep with a smile on my face.
Suddenly, he was sending me a text message saying “Good morning” every day, checked with me during the day, and even to say good night. Because of our busy work schedules, we had a difficult time putting a second date on the calendar. Actually, we tried several times and one of us, usually him, had to cancel due to business or for some other reason, but I did go to his house to watch a movie a few times. I kept suggesting a real date, like one where we’d go to dinner at a restaurant, but it didn’t happen.
Before the New Year, I realized it wasn’t going anywhere, but had remorse about it over the holidays. I am finding this is common, I mistook his daily texts as effort when he hadn’t made any real plans. He would want to see me day of and I would already have plans. Nonetheless, I wished him a Merry Christmas via text then he wished me Happy New Year so I thought we weren’t entirely over.
Last week, he messaged me again and we flirted and talked about doing dinner on Wednesday. I shared with him that we had amazing chemistry on our first date and I wanted us to get to know each other better over dinner. Sunday night he messages me to come over to his place and stay the night with him and that kind of showed me where I stood. I have been to his place 3 times already! He has never been to my place and why would I stay the night with him prior to reconnecting at dinner?!?!
He called me Wednesday and we postponed getting together to Friday night. He mentioned possibly moving for work, which raised my guard even further. Thursday we exchanged some texts and I haven’t heard from him since. Fortunately I can laugh at it all. I’m glad we never slept together. I don’t go from 0 to 360. A part of me is still a little hurt and disappointed that what I had hoped would happen didn’t. But it takes two to tango and two to make an effort and while passion are SUPER important to me, I need to be romanced a little before I go there.
How could I really believe we were in a relationship and that he was courting me? Did he texts mean nothing?
Disappointed in California
Texting is so easy to do and has become a part of most daters’ regime. However, I view texting as a flirty way of keeping in touch, while you’re courting, dating, or even in an exclusive relationship. Your guy sends you texts to keeping you on the hook, sucked in, with the hope that you’ll think a real relationship is in the cards. He knew your relationship goals, but he was clearly on a different page. Quite simply, he was looking for a relationship of convenience and was hiding behind his mobile phone.
How many women was he texting while making you feel like you were special? Probably many. Invitations to come to his home may have been sent to several women, with the first one to bite ending up in bed with him. I once knew a man who like clockwork on Friday sent a text message to 10 women he either had slept with, were ex-girlfriends, or women he wanted to pursue. He was a classic player. He invited them each out to drinks and whoever responded first was the one he ended up spending the night with. Be happy that you didn’t jump at the chance to be in a girl in rotation.
You did nothing wrong other than open your heart to the possibilities and fortunately not more.
So, keep true to yourself and know there is someone else out there. I would not have ANY contact with this guy. Be open to meeting someone else. I always quote Stevie Nicks from the song “Dreams.” “Players only love you when they’re playing.”
It Sounds like he wanted a relationship of convenience, a hookup, or whatever. When a man wants you to be his girlfriend, he’ll do whatever it takes to let you know and to make sure he claims you as his.
It didn’t mean there wasn’t real chemistry. Let’s not confuse lust with the desire for love. It didn’t mean that he didn’t like and adore you. Men love the game and love the chase. As a woman with a huge heart, it’s easy to get sucked in to the possibility of romance and finding someone special.
It’s a new year and time to find someone who’s on the same page. Enjoy the flirty texting, but until two people agree that they’re dating exclusively, they’re not in a relationship.
Did you know that 39% of engagement ring purchases occur between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day?
Before you go out and buy that diamond ring she’s been dreaming of, if you’re one of the many online dating couples who have found love on Match.com, you just may be in luck.
Our friends at Match.com have just announced a contest to help you “Pop the Question” in style worth over $15,000. Complete with a diamond engagement ring from Robbins Brothers, a custom-designed proposal plan from The Proposal Planner (TM) and wedding expert Sarah Pease, and a videographer to professionally capture your proposal, you’ll have an engagement to remember.
“Creating personalized proposals for couples that they will never forget is a dream come true,” said Sarah Pease. “I’m looking forward to collaborating with and celebrating Match.com’s success by creating the next proposal sensation for one lucky couple.”
Success couples who met on Match can enter from November 4, 2013 through November 22, 2013 at www.metonmatch.com. and and answer the question,
“Why does your match deserve the ultimate proposal?”
For over five years, Match.com’s has ranked the highest of our success stories in our Cyber Love Story of the Week feature. It’s been an honor and joy to help many singles find love on their online dating site. If you have any friends who’ve met on Match and are thinking of getting engaged, forward them these details.
Note: Entries will be judged by a panel of experts based on each submission’s creativity and the human interest value of the couple’s story.
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. Only open to continental US residents age 18+ as of entry date. Sponsor: Match.com, L.L.C., 8300 Douglas Ave., Suite 800, Dallas, TX 75225. Contest runs from 12:00 A.M. (CST) on November 4, 2013 through 11:59 P.M. (CST) on November 22, 2013. Aggregate retail value of prizes: $15,500.
Photo credit: Fotolia
After my divorce three years ago, one of my single friends suggested I try online dating. I wasn’t sure if it was for me, but now my ego is invested and I’m going on at least five dates a week. When the dates are over, I log back on to see who else I can meet.
While I’m excited to meet so many different people, I never can get to the point of wanting to be with just one guy. I’m not sleeping with anyone, but my friends think I’ve got commitment issues and the thought of taking down my profile makes me anxious.
Then when I see a guy I’ve dated has met someone else and moved on, I feel bad.
Is this normal?
Online Dating Addict
Joining an online dating site after a divorce is a great way to rebuild your self-esteem. Sure the ego is being stroked with so many men writing to you and watching your inbox fill up with male suitors. There’s no magic timetable of how long you should play the digital field, but at some point, being a permanent member of an online dating site can be demoralizing.
Decide exactly what you’re looking for and make sure you’re upfront about it both on your profile and during your dates. Let men know that you’re newly single and will be casually dating multiple guys for a while. At some point, you need to decide if you really want to be in a relationship or not. Becoming one who needs to log on for hours a day every day without ever finding a relationship doesn’t mean you’re an online dating addict. It just means you’re enjoying meeting many different types of people online that you wouldn’t have had the chance to meet offline.
If it’s truly your goal to find one special person to share your life with, when you find chemistry and mutual interests with someone, you need to give the guy the chance to be your one and only to see what it’s like to be in a relationship. Yes, that means taking down your profile. If it doesn’t work out, then just reactivate your profile and keep searching.
When you’re ready to go steady, you’ll know it. Until then, enjoy meeting a variety of people. I always say there are 64 colors in the Crayola crayon box. I feel the same way about online dating. It’s not an addiction unless you feel it’s a problem. Don’t let your friends comments influence how you feel about dating after a divorce.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Do you have a question for Cyber-Dating Expert Julie Spira? Send your questions here and read other Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert columns for online dating advice.
Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. She was an early adopter of online dating and creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, sign up for the free Weekly Flirt.
In a Harris Interactive study, commissioned by eHarmony, the new statistics show that over 1/3 of recent marriages have actually met online. This clearly shows that more people are interested in finding a serious relationship through a digital connection. The findings were published in the journal, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. The study, titled “Marital satisfaction and break-ups differ across on-line and off-line meeting venues,” is based on a survey of almost 20,000 people who wed between 2005 and 2012.
Just how much more satisfied are these relationships? On a scale of 1-10, relationships from online dating ranked 5.64 as compared to offline relationships at 5.48. Of those who met online, 45% met in a traditional online dating site and almost 21% met on a social networking site.
To be successful in online dating, I believe that you need to be very specific in what you’re looking for. More-and-more people are joining online dating sites for the first time, due to divorce, death of a spouse, or relationships running their course.
Earlier this year, we launched Facebook Love Stories to focus on the large amount of couples who are finding love through social networking sites.
So does online dating work? It certainly does, but you need to be patient and diligent in the process if you’re seriously interested in finding love on the Internet. Those who give up after a week or a month will be naysayers, but those who understand that finding love or a life partner is probably more important than finding your next job, should take the time and enjoy the journey.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and dating coach. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Julie creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt.
Todd and Rozie were both members of JDate where they were looking for love online.
Both the two of them were frustrated with the search process and were about to let their memberships expire.
Rozie decided to give the online dating game one last shot when she sent Todd an email that simply said, “You look cute. I like your profile.”
Rozie didn’t even have an online dating profile photo posted and most of the details in her profile were left blank.
Todd was hesitant to reply, but figured he’d say hello and ask her to send him a picture. He was glad he did so as when he received Rozie’s photo, he thought she was really cute.
After about one month of email exchanges and a few phone calls, they finally met up in person. Their first date was scheduled for drinks after work, but the conversation led to dinner. Dinner turned into afterglow drinks and their first casual drink date lasted for seven hours! The two went home separately at 2am, only because they needed to get to work the next day.
After seven months of dating, Todd proposed marriage to Rozie in a romantic way at the tallest tower in Krakow, Poland. It was the largest square in Europe.
They married a year and a half later and now have two children.
Congratulations to Todd and Rozie who let the conversation flow and fell in love on JDate
Do you have an online dating story to share?
Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and founder of CyberDatingExpert.com. Julie’s the bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating and creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, sign up for our Weekly Flirt newsletter and like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert
Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter
Meet Rasheda and Brandon, who found love on the free online dating site OKCupid.
Rasheda was ready to give up on Internet dating, but decided to return to OkCupid, where she met Brandon in August of 2012.
After their first date, Rasheda thought Brandon was a really “nice” guy.
Brandon managed to catch her attention by sending her a bouquet of flowers to her office on the Monday following their first date. Continuing to be the good guy, he would send Rasheeda e-cards and suggest interesting dates.
However, after a month, Rasheda decided that Brandon belonged in the “friend zone” (ouch). They stopped dating during the month of October, while she decided whether to date him or another guy.
Fortunately, she came to her senses before losing him completely. The two reconnected in November and went on a romantic date to the Opera. Afterwards, they went dancing, where she realized that she was falling for him.
Brandon invited Rasheda over for Thanksgiving dinner and they’ve been together ever since. The two are planning a romantic trip to the Bahamas this spring.
Congratulations to Rasheda and Brandon who prove that nice guys don’t always finish last and that patience is a virtue.
Do you have an online dating story to share?
Share your Cyber Love Story with us!
Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and founder of CyberDatingExpert.com. Julie’s the bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating and creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, sign up for our Weekly Flirt newsletter and connect at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert and on Twitter @JulieSpira.
If you have the urge to reconnect with an ex at the holidays, know that it’s normal.
As a dating expert and relationship coach, many of my clients and their friends are telling me they’ve reconnected this holiday season with long-lost loves. Yes, you’re recycling an ex, but why not give it a shot again with someone you have a history with?
Perhaps it starts off innocently in November with a text message or email saying “Happy Thanksgiving.” It’s a safe way to reach out and reconnect without feeling you’ll get rejected by picking up the phone. If you receive a favorable reply, it’s likely to make you feel warm and fuzzy.
You may find yourself projecting into the future. Should you ask him or her to the office holiday party? What are their Christmas and New Year’s plans?
With holiday break-up season at its peak, it’s normal to wonder if he or she is in a relationship of still thinks about you from time-to-time.
What are the rules for recycling an ex at the holidays?
Here are 5 tips on how to attend a special holiday event with your former beau or girlfriend to make it a better experience for all involved.
1. Don’t try to pick up where you left off. Don’t assume your ex wants to get back together long-term. Try and look at this as a new friendship or the beginning of a new relationship that just happened to resurface during the holidays. Don’t start planning your future all over again and keep the expectations low. Live in the moment on your first date together.
2. Don’t talk about your dating history while you were apart. Perhaps one of you had a lusty affair and the other never got over your initial break-up. There’s no reason to compare bad date stories or wonder how many people your ex went to bed with. Keep the conversation on a need-to-know basis. They simply don’t need to know what happened during your hiatus.
3. Do keep the conversation light and easy. Just like your initial first dates, remember to leave the drama behind. You might think the familiarity should allow you to accelerate things, but being a “Debbie or Donnie Downer” will turn him or her away faster than you can imagine. Ask about his or her family and how work is going or talk about the latest accomplishments of your children. If your former love interest says they’re seeing someone, respect their relationship status and don’t try to talk them out of it.
4. Don’t talk about what went wrong. You know the reason you broke up. He or she knows the reason you broke up. There’s no need to rehash the past and spend time going down memory lane.
5. Don’t sleep together. Avoid being overly affectionate in public the first time you see each other after a break-up. Unless you really want a “Friends with Benefits” relationship, don’t immediately end up back in bed. You may wake up regretting it in the morning when your emotions are at an all-time high, as you wonder where the relationship will go.
If all goes well, hopefully you’ll put a second date on the calendar. Or better yet, you’ll rekindle a friendship with someone you admire who has a network of friends he or she might introduce you to.
If you have personally experienced recycling an ex, feel free to share your stories and comment. If you’re interested in trying some of our favorite dating sites, click here.
Julie Spira is an online dating and relationship expert. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. Julie’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating. For more dating advice, visit CyberDatingExpert.com, where you can sign up for the Weekly Flirt. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
Gail had been a member of JDate for only a couple of days when she received a very funny email. It was so funny that her daughter actually scolded her and said, “Mom, what is so funny? I’m trying to sleep here.”
The email came from Mark, who had been single for 16 years after his divorce, and had his share of dates. Gail looked at Mark’s profile and realized that he was completely different from anyone she had dated or had been married to. Gail was used to being with lawyers and Mark was a writer and humorist, who had also performed stand-up comedy.
Gail liked Mark’s smile, so she responded to his email and they eventually talked on the phone. Mark wanted to meet Gail right away to see if there was any chemistry in person. The two met at Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica, CA for a three-hour dinner date and walked along the promenade watching the street performers.
“His profile picture was no lie,” said Gail. “He looked about 15 years younger than his stated age. He had boyish good looks and a smile that warmed his soft brown eyes, a backpack thrown over his shoulder, he was neatly dressed and from what I could discern, lean and very nicely built. I was toast.”
The two were attracted to each other right away and quickly learned that their birthdays were only two days apart.
In less than a week Gail and Mark went on their second date, which lasted the entire day. “I picked Gail up at her house and we went to the Skirball Center, took in the exhibits, had lunch there, and then went to a screening of the movie “Rock of Ages where we held hands,” said Mark. The date continued with fine dining at Luna Park restaurant. The two took down their dating profiles within the first month of dating. “We’ve been together over three months and I’m increasingly more nuts about her,” Mark added.
Gail keeps asking Mark, “How is it, exactly, that you have managed to stay single for 16 years???” I guess it will be one of (my) life’s great mysteries and, also, my great fortune.”
Congratulations to Gail and Mark, our Cyber Love Story couple who proves that patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.
Mark’s dating column can be found at JDate.
Do you have an online dating success story to share?
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, sign up for our Weekly Flirt newsletter, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
Last week, online dating was in the news as Spreadsheet guy’s story went viral. He’s since apologized for the embarrassment it caused the women, and himself in the process.
This week, the official launch of MissTravel.com, whose tagline is “Travel Dating for Generous and Attractive People” is spreading like wildfire. In my opinion, this site goes beyond the old-fashioned “Mile High Club” membership. Adamant about not being an escort service, founder Brandon Wade tells ABC News, “There’s 2.6 attractive women for every one generous man.”
Does this mean there’s so much of the world to see, with so very few men to share the experience with?
What happens when you arrive in Paris and your man gets abusive? Are you stuck at Charles de Gaulle Airport without a return ticket home? Could you insist on having your own room if it’s truly for plain companionship, with no benefits associated?
Here’s their one-minute video that describes the service. Already over 10,000 people have signed up.
Do you think this is an escort service disguised as a dating site or a terrific site to find a travel companion? Is it a marketing gimmick? Would you sign up?
Your comments are welcome.
Julie Spira is an online dating and cyber-relations expert. She’s the Editor-in-Chief at CyberDatingExpert.com and author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. For online dating advice, like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, and sign up for our Weekly Flirt newsletter.
After 15 years of marriage, Dabney was ready to start dating again. She created a profile on Match.com and went on just five lunch dates.
When she first spoke to Vic, the two had instant phone chemistry. Vic had his list of questions that he asked all prospective dates. Dabney passed the test with flying colors.
When the two finally met in person, they were both delighted that the phone chemistry matched their feelings in-real-life. Vic went to hold Dabney’s hand and she pulled back in surprise. Vic asked Dabney, “Did you feel that?” Dabney tells us, “It was electric.”
Dabney and Vic were fortunate to have felt a spiritual and soulful connection on their first date. Five years later, during a vacation in the Florida Keys, Vic proposed to Dabney. Dabney, of course said “Yes!”
Congratulations to Dabney and Vic, who prove that you can have a second chance at love while looking for love online.
Do you have an online dating story to share?
Julie Spira is an online dating, netiquette and cyber-relations expert. Visit CyberDatingExpert.com for dating advice and where you can sign up for the Weekly Flirt. Like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter.