You’ve signed up for an online dating site. Your inbox is full of interested singles trying to capture your attention. You put yourself out there and opened up your heart. How can you tell if he’s sincere or if he or she is a cyber player or serial dater?
In a recent article on Sympatico.ca Personals, I shared some of my insights, online dating tips, ?and red flags with Jenna Stone.
They’re the scourge of the dating scene, the stealth enemy of anyone seeking a long-term, committed relationship ? The Players.
There you are, putting yourself out there, hoping to find someone with whom to spend your life, and there he/she is messing it all up. They make the apparent right gestures and tell you what you want to hear, all the while working the same schtick on someone else, or several someone elses.
And they’re not just lurking in the bars and clubs either. They’re online, sneaking around your favourite dating sites. How can you avoid…(insert dramatic B Movie monster music here)…THE CYBER PLAYER?
Julie Spira is a cyber dating expert, and author of the online book The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. She offered some insight on how to keep the cyber serial dater at bay.
She says, “There are certainly a lot of them online. They become these little kids in a candy store because they can always find a pretty face. And they get five new e-mails in their inbox every day.” Spira is quick to point out that, while many people DO indeed commit, the web has “really created a feeding ground for people who can’t.”
Spira says there are two categories of online players. The first are people who are also offline players and it’s how they live their lives. “They see online dating as an extra way to feed their egos.”? The other type, she says, are those who were shy and unlucky in love, but then tried online dating and “all of the sudden they go from being socially challenged to suddenly having all of these options.”
Sometimes, she adds, they don’t even meet anyone in person. “They just talk and chat. They get sort of addicted to it.”
So, that’s red flag #1. They keep putting off meeting you in real life. Seems obvious right? But a lot of people can’t read the clearest signs and wind up wasting a lot of time.
If someone won’t eventually come play outside, they might not be socially capable. They might even be hiding behind an entirely constructed persona.
Once you do meet them outside, Spira says that, oddly, they tend to come on strong and talk a lot about commitment. “When you go on a date with a cyber player, they will say things that are the complete opposite from what you’d expect. They say things like ‘I was married before and I want to be married again,’ ‘I’m looking for one woman to wake up with every morning.’ They say these types of things a little too much and you might find yourself raising an eyebrow.”
But then, right after they leave you, they’re back cruising the cyber singles scene.
“They go home and send you an e-mail that says ‘I had such an amazing date with you, there was so much chemistry. I can’t wait to see you again,’ and you see that they’ve already logged on at 12:30 in the morning after your date ended at eleven o’clock that night.” (Most dating sites allow you to see when a member is online)
Of course, it’s OK to spend as much time as you please cruising when you’re just dating. It’s when things are supposed to be getting serious that these become red flags.
Spira advises you err on the side of caution, keep your own profile up and continue to date other people. And, if you’re looking for a serious relationship, “Do not sleep with someone who is unwilling to pull down their profile.
“If you’re on a casual dating site and are advertising that you’re accepting that type of relationship, that’s one thing. But if you go on a site dedicated to serious relationships, like e-Harmony or JDate or Match.com, and you state on the profile that you are looking for a long term relationship and marriage, that’s another.”
It’s a common question: When is the appropriate time to take down the profile? There’s no right answer. But you need to be comfortable. If you’re uncomfortable with the other person’s profile remaining up, then it’s not unreasonable to address that.
Spira says, “I’ve seen it too many times where a woman says ‘I’ve been dating this guy for a year and he won’t pull down his profile.’ I say, ‘Well, you never really talked about that before your clothes wound up on the floor.”
The bottom line? Talk about it.
Once offline, if you find yourself falling for a player and want to try to get them to tame their wild ways, Spira suggests a few things that include,
1: Keeping busy. Don’t always be readily available and live a life that’s exciting and fun, and will continue to be so with or without them in it.
2. Setting a time limit. Make it clear you’ll only wait around for so long.
3. Giving instructions on how you want to communicate. If you want daily phone calls and flirty text messages, Spira says don’t be afraid to ask for them.
A lot of people do find themselves trying to catch the player, convinced they can make them change. It’s one option.
Remember, there’s always another option. You could just move on to someone else.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com for Dating Advice
For Immediate Release: Online Dating Expert Julie Spira to be Featured Speaker at Internet Dating Conference
LOS ANGELES, CA–(Marketwire – June 15, 2010) – ?Online dating is changing the social lives of millions. This week, Internet dating executives and industry experts will join together to discuss the rapid growth of the online dating industry.
Julie Spira, a real-life Internet dating expert, dating advice columnist, and bestselling author, will present Dating 2.0: Using Social Media to Increase Brand Loyalty at the iDate 2010 Conference, to be held at the SLS Hotel in Beverly Hills.
“It’s an honor to be selected as a featured speaker at the Internet industry’s largest event,” said Spira. “With social media and Web 2.0 strategies changing on a daily basis, online dating sites need to create the best experience for singles looking for love online.”
Spira, a popular media guest, has been featured on ABC, CBS, FOX News, E! Entertainment, Glamour, Men’s Health, Woman’s Day, The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Crain’s New York Business, CosmoGirl, KLOS, KTLA, Cyberguy, and WPIX.?As an early adopter of Internet Dating, she created her first online dating profile in 1994.
Founder of Cyber-Dating Expert? and Social Media and More, Spira’s online dating advice has appeared on eHarmony Advice, Huffington Post, JDate, Match.com, and social dating site Zoosk, where she is a featured dating expert.
Spira, author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and host of “Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show,” has been a featured author?and presenter at the New York Public Library and panelist at the 140 Characters Twitter Conference. Her presentation will take place on June 17, 2010 at 3:30pm.
The Internet Dating Conference will take place concurrently with the Social Networking Conference on June 16-18, 2010. Other companies presenting will include Match.com, Google, Perfect Match, Online Personals Watch, and Zoosk.
For more information, visit www.CyberDatingExpert.com and www.socialmediaandmore.net.
Click here for printer-friendly version>>>
Julie Spira, a worldwide authority in online dating and a dating advice columnist,? has been selected as a featured author in the New York Public Library’s Meet the Author series. Spira will be speaking at the New Amsterdam Branch on May 25, 2010 at 1:00 pm about her online dating book.
Online dating has grown to be the second largest industry on the web. A recent Match.com study showed that one out of every six people meet through online dating sites.
The author will read excerpts from her book, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online, as well as provide dating advice and online dating tips to help singles become more successful in their quest to find love on the Internet. A book signing will follow.
Spira’s book reached bestseller status on Amazon.com on its launch date. She highlights her 15-year romantic journey of looking for love in cyberspace.
“It’s an honor and privilege to be asked by the New York Public Library to participate in their well-respected series,” says Spira.
Spira, known worldwide as The Cyber-Dating Expert?, is a dating coach and columnist. She helps singles create their irresistible online dating profiles and created her first Internet dating profile in 1994. She is a frequent guest in the media with her online dating advice and has appeared on and quoted in:
- The New York Times
- Los Angeles Times
- FOX News
- E! Entertainment
- Cosmo Radio
- Men’s Health
- ABC News
- CBS News
- Woman’s Day
Julie Spira is a contributor on The Huffington Post. Her dating advice also appears on eHarmony Advice, JDate, Your Tango, and Zoosk. She is the host of “Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show.”
Spira was a recent presenter at the 140 Characters Twitter Conference in New York on the first-ever dating panel and appeared on WPIX, where she talked about cyber dating safety tips.
Julie Spira will also appear at Book Expo America on May 26, 2010 in the authors autographing area at 9:30am, table 21, where she will be signing copies of her book.
Praise for “The Perils of Cyber-Dating”
- “It’s Like Sex and the City in a Web 2.0 World” ~ E. Jean Carroll, Elle Magazine
- “Hilariously Funny! Singles of All Ages Need to Read this Book” ~ Joan Rivers
- “The Perils of Cyber-Dating gives hope to singles that they can successfully meet someone online.” ~ Dr. Pat Allen, bestselling author, “Getting to I Do”
For more information or to book a media appearance, contact info at cyberdatingexpert dot com.
Today I shared my 21 online dating profile definitions on Your Tango’s PROConnect site.
Often I am asked the question about how many people misrepresent themselves in their online dating profiles? While I don’t have the exact answer, typically men lie about their height, income, marital status, and have photos online with more head on their hair than they currently have. Perhaps they need to look in the mirror before hitting the keyboard.
Women, on the other hand, quite frequently lie about their age and weight to fit into a search. The age issue is a hot button for many females.
What you see isn’t always what you get with online dating. We hope there’s truth-in-advertising. These profile definitions from my book,??The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online, may help you in your search for the perfect mate in cyberspace.
Read the list on Your Tango and feel free to add a few of your own.
With modern technology and our addiction to our Blackberries and iPhones, pushing the send button has become as common as brushing your teeth.
I’m a firm believer that you should think before sending an email to show your anger towards a loved-one, and more specifically, I don’t believe in dumping your significant other in an email or a text message.
Sure if you have only had a few dates, sending an email to say “I’m not the one for you. Good luck with your search” can be considered polite as compared to the guy who just doesn’t call you back.
In my book, The Perils of Cyber-Dating, I describe the Top 10 Rules of Netiquette for Online Dating. One of these rules is the “Break-Up Rule.” It’s number ten on my list. It’s relationship 101.
? Never break up with a significant other in an email. It?s just common courtesy to have a conversation and preferably in person.
I was once the recipient of a very well thought out break up email. ?I was advised by the man that I was engaged to marry, that I was no longer a fiance. From where I sat, it was cowardly, cruel, and unilateral. ?I never spoke to him again. It was a relationship that started and ended in cyberspace.
I’m a believer that you treat someone the way that you want to be treated. Do you really want to go down in history as the person who dumped your LTR via email? Remember, emails are easily forwarded.
I’d be interested in all thoughts and comments.
As we celebrate both Valentine’s Weekend and the anniversary of my online dating book, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online, we have put together a very-special Cyber Love Basket filled with romantic goodies to spice up your love life. The new, sexy, and romantic Cyber Love Basket will be raffled off on Valentine’s Day at the Love Panel at An Empowered Woman in Bel Air, CA.
What’s in the Cyber Love Basket and how can you be eligible to win?
Attend the Second Sunday Love Panel on February 14, 2010. Receive dating advice and relationship tips from experts Dr. Pat Allen, Julie Spira, and Lucia. Stop by the CyberDating Expert table and purchase an autographed copy of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. The first 30 who purchase a copy of the book will immediately receive a VIP Cyber Swag bag worth over $125 (including a one-hour private massage and olive butter steam hair treatment). Everyone who purchases the book ?will be entered into the drawing ?for The Cyber Love Basket, now worth over $1800!
Here’s what’s inside the Cyber Love Basket:
- One bottle of Champagne
- One private coaching session or IRRESISTIBLE online dating profile from Cyber-Dating Expert Julie Spira
- Five one-hour private massage sessions from Beyond Physical Therapy
- Hair and Beauty makeover from Steven Crithfield of Claudio d’ Italia in Brentwood
- Chocolate Aphrodisiac hearts and love birds from Diana Phillips Chocolatier
- Five private one-hour Pilates sessions from Beyond Physical Therapy
- One 1-hour Tantra Session from Embody Tantra
- Two tickets to Lock and Key Events
- One beautiful painting, “The Power of Love” from artist Sandra Cooper aka R. Vega
- One 3-CD Music collection, “Straight from the Heart” from SHOUT Factory
- One DVD movie, “Yoga- An American Journey”
- Diva High Maintenance Drama Candle Collection
To purchase tickets to the Second Sunday Love Panel, click here>>>
Thank You to our Sponsors and Supporters
Arthur Klein, Sandra Cooper, Beyond Physical Therapy, Byu-ti Salon, Steven Crithfield,
Diana Phillips Artisan Chocolatier, Embody Tantra, Lock and Key Events, Klean Bath and Beauty, Shout Factory
Welcome to February. It’s officially the month of love.
If you are feeling the pressure, don’t fret. Here are some online dating tips to help you get through the month of February.
How many Valentine’s Dates Should You Have?
Valentine’s Day is on a Sunday this year. In addition, Monday is a legal holiday in the U.S. so it becomes a three day weekend for many. Does that mean that you should have three dates on your calendar if you are single?
I happen to believe that three is a lucky number. If you aren’t in an exclusive relationship and your online dating profile is still up, there’s no reason NOT to ask three women out or accept more than one invitation over the course of the weekend.
Your Online Dating Profile
If your online dating profile is still active and you have your date(s) lined up for the weekend, I suggest that you don’t visit your online dating site in the days leading up to Valentine’s. It might take the romance out of your date if he or she notices your activity level.
Dine in, or Dine Out
Make sure you make your dining reservations early. Some of the best restaurants get booked in full in January. If you can’t get a restaurant reservation, dining at home with take-out food on fine china by candlelight makes a nice alternative to expensive dining. If you don’t have time to call around, go to OpenTable.com to see what’s available in your neighborhood and price range.
Valentine’s Gift Giving
When it comes to gift-giving on Valentine’s Day, it can be a bit tricky. Being over extravagant early on in your relationship might scare someone away.
If you are wondering what kind of gift you should give your date, ?stop by your local Hallmark store and pick up an appropriate card for your Valentine and a box of chocolate. One simple rose for her will make a nice addition to the evening. For the man in your life, stop by Whole Foods and pick up a chocolate lollypop that says, “You’re My Hero” for $4.00. You’ll find them both melting in your arms. If your relationship is new, find a card that is witty and humorous.
If you have moved into an exclusive relationship and want to impress him or her, stop by Tiffany & Co. where they have a selection of Valentine’s Gifts. Their Elsa Peretti? Color by the Yard bracelet in sterling silver with a pink sapphire?is priced at $175. They have a full page of gifts for under $100. For him,?Engine-turned oval cuff links in sterling silver are priced at $150.
The Morning After
Take advantage of the holiday if you can. If your date involves an overnight stay, having breakfast in bed together will be a nice way to end the weekend, but only if you aren’t book for a lunch date with another suitor.
If Valentine’s arrives and you don’t have a date, don’t fret. There’s nothing worse than pretending to enjoy a very expensive evening. During the daytime if you are in Los Angeles, I will be speaking along with Dr. Pat Allen, author of “Getting to I Do” at The Second Sunday Series of An Empowered Woman. For the evening, find another single friend and go to a movie or stay in and read a book. If there are any singles events in your area, sign up and meet other singles. It’s not the end of the world and before you know it, spring fever will be in season.
Julie Spira is known world-wide as The Cyber-Dating Expert. She is the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com
Welcome to 2010. For those who have the tradition of making New Year’s resolutions, I have some dating advice to add to your list.
Bah humbug? No, not really. I met several singles over the holidays who dreaded this time of the year and were looking forward to a new beginning. January is the single largest month for new subscriptions to online dating services. When they discussed their frustrations with online dating, I asked why it wasn’t working for them.
The number one reason was FEAR. Yes fear. Fear has caused many singles to lie about their age to fit into a search. This isn’t new. So, when a 59 year old fairly attractive male told me he said he was 55 in his profile and he wasn’t planning on changing that number, I asked him,? “Will you still be 55 when you are 60?”? He had to think about the answer.
Most of us look in the mirror and think we look younger than we are. We see photos on Facebook from high school and college friends and they always look older than we do, or at least we think so.
I continued my discussion with the almost 60-year old man. He was concerned that only older women would write to him. Maybe some will. When I convinced him that he didn’t have to go out with every woman who wrote to him,? especially those that didn’t fit into his search, he eased up for a minute.? When I was positive that he wasn’t going to tell the truth about his age, I asked him how he’d feel if a woman lied about her age and said she was 5-10 years younger. Although it’s a common trend in cyberdating,? he said it’s a turn-off to him.
Finally, I asked him to make a New Year’s resolution to update his profile. He was not going to say he was 59 as fear of turning 60 made him panic.? He did reluctantly agree to adding a “disclaimer” in his profile saying that he was really 59 but looked and felt much younger and wanted to fit into a search.? I asked him to be honest about his age. He said he’d try it. After all, he hadn’t been successful in lying on his online dating profile in the 3 years he has been on multiple Internet dating sites.
It’s a New Year. 2009 was difficult for many with the economic turbulence. The desire for singles to couple-up is at an all time high. Wouldn’t you want someone to be honest with you from the beginning?
Make it your New Year’s resolution to live your life with authenticity –Online, offline, and where ever you may roam.
If you need some help in getting started with your online dating profile, contact us and we’ll help you create that IRRESISTIBLE Profile to help you stand out among the millions of online daters.
Julie Spira is a dating coach and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com
Join me on Sunday, October 18, 2009 along with 11 other authors for a very special in-store event at Book Soup. Select members of the Women’s National Book Association’s Los Angeles chapter will gather to read excerpts from their published books.
I will be there at 7:00pm, reading portions of my online dating memoir, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online.
Book Soup is located at 8818 Sunset Boulevard, West Hollywood, CA 310-659-3110
Brenda Adelman,?My Brooklyn Hamlet;?Diana Aylward,32 Ways To Raise Your Frequency;?Jay Balter,?Forgiving Nuremberg;?Zane Buzby,?The Survivor Mitzvah Project;?Ruth Klein,?De-Stress Diva’s Guide to Life, Time Management for Working Women;Sharmagne Leland-St. John (A Little Hawk),?Unsung Songs;Pamela Philips Oland,?The Art of Writing Great Lyrics;?Paul Ryan,?The Art of Comedy;?Estherleon Schwartz,?Tears of Stone;Joyce Schwarz,?The Vision Board;?Julie Spira,?The Perils of Cyber-Dating;?Lisa-Catherine Cohen, your moderator,?I’ll Love You Unconditionally, IF…. `
Listen to the Love Hypnotist radio show, where I was a featured guest with Debra Berndt.
We talked about my book, The Peril of Cyber-Dating and shared online dating tips including how soon should you wait before meeting someone you meet in an online dating site.?