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Book Review – The Perils of Cyber-Dating

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Read the latest book review from Cupid’s Pulse along with my personal interview about The Perils of Cyber-Dating.

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More than 40 million singles are dating online.  With around 2,500 online dating sites to choose from, how can you navigate your way safely and find love on the Internet?  Julie Spira’s tell-all memoir, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online, can help.  You’ll follow her on her 15-year journey – which included 250 online dates – as she navigated the web in hopes to find an Internet mate to replace someone she thought was the love of her life.  Through her romances, heartbreaks, and personal rules of “netiquette,” Spira shares invaluable first-hand knowledge on the best ways to date online.

Cupid’s Take:

Online dating has it’s own set of rules.  Remember to be safe and savvy when on the web.  Cupid caught up with the Spira via e-mail this week.  Here’s what the author had to say:

Cupid: You were one of the first people to delve into the world of online dating. Were you scared? What were other people’s reactions?

Julie Spira: At the time I created my first online dating profile in 1994, I wasn’t scared at all.  I fully embraced the Internet both personally and professionally.  But, since online dating was not mainstream at that point, I told very few people that I was meeting my dates from online dating sites.  I told some close friends who I thought could benefit from online dating and helped them with their online dating profiles.

Cupid: What’s different about cyberdating (as compared to traditional dating), and how can people adapt to it?

JS: The main difference between cyberdating and traditional dating is that you are meeting someone that you haven’t met before in real life and you are getting to know them from behind their computer screen.  Online dating, Internet dating, and cyberdating are all terms used for those using online dating sites, chat rooms, video dating, and social dating sites.  This also includes social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace.  In order to completely embrace online dating, one needs to be comfortable using their computer.  It’s also important to be very organized as you may receive hundreds of emails in the first day or two.  I[n] order to be successful, if you create a system that helps keep all of the replies and emails sent, you’ll be able to communicate with your dates with their background information.  If you are already using Facebook to communicate with friends, it’s the next logical step.

Cupid: What have you seen change about the online dating world since you started?

JS: When I first started dating online, Match.com hadn’t been launched yet.  There were very few sites to pick from.  It was a much simpler process without all the Web 2.0 bells and whistles.  You weren’t seeing video dating and text messaging wasn’t an option in the U.S.

Cupid: What is your relationship to online dating now?

JS: As an online dating coach, I help singles create their irresistible online dating profiles and work with them to search the best possible matches.  I also help them decide which sites to join and teach them how to craft and email introduction and response that will grab the attention of those profiles they select.

Cupid: What are your top 5 netiquette rules for cyberdating?

JS: My Rules of Netiquette from my book, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online, include:

1. The Google Rule – If you Google your date before you meet them, don’t let them know on the first date.  You’d be surprised how some people actually print out the Google results and start questioning their date about specific entries.  It’s not appropriate first date material and no one wants to feel like they are on a job interview or under the microscope.
2. The Food and Beverage Rule – If you ask a date out for coffee, be prepared to order a beverage for her and yourself.  I have heard stories many times where either someone arrives with their own water, or simply does not order a coffee or tea for their date.  You should assume that a coffee date includes a drink, and a dinner date includes some form of food.
3. The Ex Rule – Don’t talk about your ex-wife or husband, ex girlfriend or boyfriend, or spend time talking about the past.  You’d be surprised that some talk about their spousal support, or a relationship that didn’t work out on the first date.  Keep it light and leave the baggage at home.
4. The Send Button Rule – My mother always says, “If you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all.”  Too often someone gets mad and drafts an email and pushes the send button.  When in doubt, send it to yourself.  You might feel differently in the morning.  Once you push the send button, you can’t take it back.
5. The Break Up Rule – Never break up with a significant other in an email or a text message.  It’s just common courtesy to have a conversation and preferably in person.  Do you really want to go down in history as the one who frequently dumps their dates in an email or text?  Sure, celebrities are ending relationships in text messages and on Twitter these days.  But is it right?

Most importantly, be authentic.  Authenticity is really in style now.  With over 400 million members on Facebook, it’s easy for someone to see if your photo on your online dating profile does not match the recent birthday or vacation pictures on Facebook.  We know that many singles lie about their age in their online dating profiles to fit into a search, but the truth will come out when you meet in real life.  You start out on a bad foot if you are lying about your age, weight, and height.  Enjoy the process and look at cyberdating as a way to increase your social and business networks in the event it doesn’t turn into a romantic relationship.

Cupid thanks Spira for her time!  For more information and dating advice, visit her site, CyberDatingExpert.com.

Author and Dating Expert Julie Spira at Artspace Warehouse

artspacelogoOn Friday November 5, 2010, Julie Spira, bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online will be signing copies of her book at Artspace Warehouse in Los Angeles.

View the new exhibition Abstract Passion and enjoy the champagne reception while receiving dating advice for singles looking for love online in time for the holidays. Already attached? You’ll still need to brush up on your skills on how to date your mate.

Artspace Warehouse offers original artworks from ambitious international artists to the public at affordable prices for every budget. Many of the original pieces cost as much as a pair of designer shoes.

Julie Spira has been featured in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Woman’s Day, Men’s Health, iVillage, Match, eHarmony, and WIRED with her online dating advice. She was named one of the Top Columnists to follow on Twitter and was listed as one of the Top 100 most influential people in social media in Fast Company.

  • What: Book signing for bestselling author, Julie Spira
  • Where: Artspace Warehouse, 7354 Beverly Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA 90036
  • When: Friday, November 1, 2010, 7:30pm – 9:00pm

 

When In Doubt, Wear Red

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Design by Susana Mercedes

I have always believed in the significance of wearing red on a first date.

Here’s what we intuitively know about the color red:

  • Red is the color of love.
  • Red ignites passion.
  • Red is the signature color for Valentine’s Day.
  • You give red roses to a blue lady.
  • Red is sexy.
  • Red is a powerful color for women in the bedroom and the boardroom.
  • Red stimulates the heart to beat faster.

Recently, I wrote an article on Huffington Post about why men were attracted to women who wore red. This behavior was backed up by a research study from the European Journal of Social Psychology called *”Red and Romantic Behavior in Viewing Women.”

In the above mentioned study,  male undergraduates were shown photographs of young adult women. Some women were wearing the color green and others were wearing red. As they were looking at photos alone, the study showed similar behaviors to those who would view women’s profiles on an online dating site. The men appeared to ask more forward questions to the women in red as compared to the generic questions asked of the women wearing green.

While wearing red won’t guarantee a marriage proposal,  it is more likely that it will result in more forward conversations according to the study.

I have been recommending that women wear red on their first dates with men for many years. My online dating profile always had a photo of me wearing red. The man who proposed to me, who I met on JDate, affectionately called me “The Lady in Red.”

Red might not be your favorite color, but wearing red when going to singles events and meeting men for the first time will capture the attention of the men in the room. I feel so strongly about the color red, that cover of my book, The Perils of Cyber-Dating shows a girl wearing a red dress getting ready for a date. We know that men are visual and are likely to remember what you wore on your first date, so why not wear red to make your first impression?

Wearing red to attract men is so powerful, that the Jewish Journal came to my home earlier this year to shoot a video with some of my expert online dating tips. Where did they start? In my closet of course. They wanted me to talk about the red dresses that were worn on many first dates. Men and women everywhere are backing up the research from the experts in the recent study on the color of red.

Does that mean I think you should toss out your favorite green shirt? No. But since first impressions do matter and men are looking at hundreds of photos every time they log online looking for love, perhaps wearing red isn’t such a bad idea at all. You have a split second to make an impression online and having a profile photo and catchy screen name to draw a man in, is important. Men are, and always will be visual. Once you get past the color test, it’s time to show him the authentic you and let your personality shine.

*”Red and Romantic Behavior in Men Viewing Women,” Daniela Niesta Kayser, Andrew J. Elliot, Roger Feltman, European Journal of Social Psychology (October, 2010)

Meet Author Julie Spira at the West Hollywood Book Fair

bookcoverlr1 194x300Join bestselling author and CyberDating Expert Julie Spira at the West Hollywood Book Fair on Sunday, September 26, 2010.

Spira will present and sign copies of her book, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online from 10:00am – 12:00pm at Booth E63 and E64.

In addition, she will be providing online dating profile critiques and dating advice for singles on the dating scene.

EVENT DETAILS

Who: Author, Julie Spira
Where: West Hollywood Book Fair, 647 N. San Vicente Blvd. West Hollywood, CA
When: Sunday, September 26, 2010
Time: 10AM to 12PM (Booth E 63 and 64)
Cost: *Free*

ABOUT THE PERILS OF CYBER-DATING

“The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online” is a romantic tell-all memoir spanning over 250 online dates in almost 15 years. The book is filled with heartfelt, witty, and hilarious stories. Julie Spira, a pioneer in the Internet industry, became the first on her block to post an online dating profile. You’ll follow her journey as she skillfully navigates the web, hoping to replace what she once thought was the love of her life with a new Internet mate. Combining her fairytale romances and disappointing heartbreaks with her personal “rules of netiquette,” Spira provides priceless knowledge about the most effective ways to date online.

Full Press Release>>>

The 5 Secrets to Finding Love Online

The 5 Secrets to Finding Love Online

How to Jumpstart Your Love Life in 5 Easy Steps!

It’s with great enthusiasm and excitement to announce the launch of our new free eBook, The 5 Secrets to Finding Love Online.

After months and months of back-to-back interviews about how to create an irresistible online dating profile, and providing dating advice on television & radio, as well as online and in print, I’ve created this simple book about how to be successful in online dating for you to download for free.

Besides some of my best dating tips, I’m also including a free bonus audio, where I share some of my very personal stories from my book, The Perils of Cyber-Dating.

Visit SecretstoFindingLoveOnline.com and enjoy my free gifts to you.  And if you get lucky in love, make sure to let us know so we can feature you in the Cyber Love Story of the Week.

Signs You May be Dating a Cyber Player

You’ve signed up for an online dating site. Your inbox is full of interested singles trying to capture your attention. You put yourself out there and opened up your heart. How can you tell if he’s sincere or if he or she is a cyber player or serial dater?

In a recent article on Sympatico.ca Personals, I shared some of my insights, online dating tips,  and red flags with Jenna Stone.
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They’re the scourge of the dating scene, the stealth enemy of anyone seeking a long-term, committed relationship – The Players.

There you are, putting yourself out there, hoping to find someone with whom to spend your life, and there he/she is messing it all up. They make the apparent right gestures and tell you what you want to hear, all the while working the same schtick on someone else, or several someone elses.

And they’re not just lurking in the bars and clubs either. They’re online, sneaking around your favourite dating sites. How can you avoid…(insert dramatic B Movie monster music here)…THE CYBER PLAYER?

Julie Spira is a cyber dating expert, and author of the online book The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. She offered some insight on how to keep the cyber serial dater at bay.

She says, “There are certainly a lot of them online. They become these little kids in a candy store because they can always find a pretty face. And they get five new e-mails in their inbox every day.” Spira is quick to point out that, while many people DO indeed commit, the web has “really created a feeding ground for people who can’t.”

Spira says there are two categories of online players. The first are people who are also offline players and it’s how they live their lives. “They see online dating as an extra way to feed their egos.”  The other type, she says, are those who were shy and unlucky in love, but then tried online dating and “all of the sudden they go from being socially challenged to suddenly having all of these options.”

Sometimes, she adds, they don’t even meet anyone in person. “They just talk and chat. They get sort of addicted to it.”

So, that’s red flag #1. They keep putting off meeting you in real life. Seems obvious right? But a lot of people can’t read the clearest signs and wind up wasting a lot of time.
If someone won’t eventually come play outside, they might not be socially capable. They might even be hiding behind an entirely constructed persona.

Once you do meet them outside, Spira says that, oddly, they tend to come on strong and talk a lot about commitment. “When you go on a date with a cyber player, they will say things that are the complete opposite from what you’d expect. They say things like ‘I was married before and I want to be married again,’ ‘I’m looking for one woman to wake up with every morning.’ They say these types of things a little too much and you might find yourself raising an eyebrow.”

But then, right after they leave you, they’re back cruising the cyber singles scene.
“They go home and send you an e-mail that says ‘I had such an amazing date with you, there was so much chemistry. I can’t wait to see you again,’ and you see that they’ve already logged on at 12:30 in the morning after your date ended at eleven o’clock that night.” (Most dating sites allow you to see when a member is online)

Of course, it’s OK to spend as much time as you please cruising when you’re just dating. It’s when things are supposed to be getting serious that these become red flags.
Spira advises you err on the side of caution, keep your own profile up and continue to date other people. And, if you’re looking for a serious relationship, “Do not sleep with someone who is unwilling to pull down their profile.

“If you’re on a casual dating site and are advertising that you’re accepting that type of relationship, that’s one thing. But if you go on a site dedicated to serious relationships, like e-Harmony or JDate or Match.com, and you state on the profile that you are looking for a long term relationship and marriage, that’s another.”

It’s a common question: When is the appropriate time to take down the profile? There’s no right answer. But you need to be comfortable. If you’re uncomfortable with the other person’s profile remaining up, then it’s not unreasonable to address that.

Spira says, “I’ve seen it too many times where a woman says ‘I’ve been dating this guy for a year and he won’t pull down his profile.’ I say, ‘Well, you never really talked about that before your clothes wound up on the floor.”

The bottom line? Talk about it.

Once offline, if you find yourself falling for a player and want to try to get them to tame their wild ways, Spira suggests a few things that include,
1: Keeping busy. Don’t always be readily available and live a life that’s exciting and fun, and will continue to be so with or without them in it.
2. Setting a time limit. Make it clear you’ll only wait around for so long.
3. Giving instructions on how you want to communicate. If you want daily phone calls and flirty text messages, Spira says don’t be afraid to ask for them.

A lot of people do find themselves trying to catch the player, convinced they can make them change. It’s one option.

Remember, there’s always another option. You could just move on to someone else.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com for Dating Advice

Out of Work? Zoosk Says Try Your Luck at Dating

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My friends over at social dating community Zoosk surveyed their members this month to learn more about the relationship between money and dating during the present economic climate. The good news for men is, if you’re unemployed, more women will want to date you than a year ago.

According to the study, 60% of women said they’d date someone unemployed. Compared to 52% in 2009, women are now adjusting their expectations in the available dating pool.

The study also revealed that 90% of men said they’d date someone unemployed. Is it still only about looks for men?

So how are these online daters spending their money? The Zoosk study says that 90% of men say they usually pick up the tab on a date. It also appears men are spending more money on the average date than they did a year ago.The women on the other hand, are spending less than they did a year ago.

More singles are taking advantage of free activities than a year ago.

Should you tell your date you are unemployed? According to Zooskers, the answer is yes. 83% of men and 93% of women agree that if you’re out of work, you should reveal it right away.

Has the economy affected the ways that you date? Are you attending more free events? Let us know your thoughts. Comments are always appreciated.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and dating coach. She is the author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com

Why People Lie in their Online Dating Profiles

Lately, more than ever, the subject of lying in one’s cyberdating profile has become a hot topic. Some have become accustomed to the age, height, and income exaggerations for the benefit of showing up in a search.

It appears that lying on your profiles never goes out of style. It’s become a bit of an epidemic. On July 29, I will be a guest on The Stars of PR with Cindy R at 7am/PT. Her radio show segment is called The Big Lie on VoiceAmerica Radio Network. Cindy contacted me as lying has become so in vogue that she wanted to do an entire segment on why singles lie to fit into a search. Just days later after confirming my show segment with Cindy Rakowitz,  my friend Sam Yagan at OkCupid sent me an email with their latest statistical great post in OkTrends called The Big Lies People Tell in Online Dating. I am a big fan of OkCupid and always look forward to their blogposts.

Let’s take a deeper look at OkCupid’s findings, which are not shocking. Of course, I’ll toss my two cents in.

1. HeightReality: People are 2 inches shorter in real life. If you have read my book, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online, which was released on Valentine’s Day in 2009, there is a chapter called “Profile Definitions.” In this chapter I list a side-by-side comparison of 21 profile definitions in “What They Say” and “What They Mean.”

My first entry simply said:

WHAT THEY SAY: Male: Height 5’7″

WHAT THEY MEAN: Male: Height 5’5″

It appears things have not changed in the past few years.

2. IncomeReality: People are 20% poorer than they say they are.

OkCupid says that apparently, an online dater’s imagination is the best performing mutual fund of the last 10 years. I have to agree. More often than not, men are not putting their income on their profiles so they don’t have to see for themselves what the economy has done. Others aren’t interested in finding gold diggers. A recent online dater that I know of listed his previous salary which was 50% higher than his current income.  He was in his 50s. He also said he was divorced, however he was “separated, divorce pending.” Interesting data from OkCupid.

3. Photos – REALITY: The more attractive the picture, the more likely it is to be out-of-date.

OkCupid has some terrific tricks to determine when a photo was actually taken. It’s worth taking a look at. Their findings claim that “most of the pictures on their online dating site were of recent vintage; site-wide the median photo age at upload was just 92 days. However, hotter photos were much more likely to be outdated than normal ones.”

I don’t disagree, but here’s a refreshing and amusing twist on the other side. A recent dater that I know of sat across from his attractive date and confessed the following: “I’m sorry. I’m uncomfortable. You appear too young for me.” Yes, you read this correctly. He was expecting an older woman, someone closer in age to himself or at least visually closer in age to his ex-wife, and not a woman that appeared closer in age to his daughter.

He added that, “Most women lie about their age in their profiles so I was hoping you would be older. You look younger than your photo.” Now, this isn’t the norm, but are we accustomed to being disappointed on our first dates to the fact that if you do indeed look like your profile it is a complete shock?

4. Swinging Both Ways – REALITY: 80% of self-identified bisexuals are only interested in one gender.

OkCupid claims to be a gay-friendly site and has some interesting statistics about their members in their study. The fantasy is clearly greater than the reality.

Feel free to comment and share your opinion. Do you lie on your online dating profile? Have your expectations been lowered to the point that you are in shock when someone looks like their profile and accurately represents themselves?

I hope you listen to our radio show segment on this subject on July 22, 2010.

Julie Spira is known as the Cyber-Dating Expert. She created her first online dating profile in 1994. She is the author of bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Visit her at CyberdatingExpert.com. Follow her on Twitter @JulieSpira. Like the Fan Page

How to Scope Someone Out Online – PC World

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In a recent interview with PC World, I was asked about online dating romances. Too often we have a false sense of illusion that we are in a relationship because of all of the online communications. This is where knowledge of online dating safety comes in.

“Keep in mind, you are communicating with someone you have never met before,” advises Julie Spira, author of the bestseller The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online .

“Take your relationship from online to offline as soon as possible to see if there is any chemistry,” Spira says.

Read the article by Hillary Rhodes on PC World for more tips on finding out if your online beau or beauty is worth investing in an airline ticket for.

Article on PC World>>>

For Immediate Release – Julie Spira to Appear on Access to the Boys Club

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – June 11, 2010. Los Angeles, CA Cyber-Dating Expert and bestselling author Julie Spira will be a featured guest on Access to the Boys Club on KLAA – AM – 830, Anaheim, CA on June 13, 2010.

Access to the Boys Club, a weekly radio show,  focuses on how to have a healthy and faithful relationship.  The program will feature relationship advice and dating tips for women to keep a man interested in their relationship. You’ll hear dating dos and don’ts for couples as well as for singles who are looking for a serious long-term relationship or marriage.

The show, hosted by Mark Verge, Ronald Curtis Ebanks, and Jodi Laiblin will airs at 10:00am/pacific time. The call in number is 877-883-0830. Spira’s segment will air at 10:10am/pacific time.

Spira, a frequent guest in the media about online dating and relationships, has appeared on ABC, CBS, FOX, CNET, E! Entertainment, KTLA, WPIX, Smart Money, Woman’s Day, Cosmo Radio, Glamour, Men’s Health, New York Times, and the Los Angeles Times. Her expert advice can be found on eHarmony Advice, JDate, Match.com, Your Tango, Huffington Post, and Zoosk. Spira hosts the weekly radio show, Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert.

Julie Spira is known worldwide as The Cyber-Dating Expert. She is the author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. As a dating expert, Spira offers IRRESISTIBLE Coaching programs for singles looking for love online. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com

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